When ‘Faith’ runs aground, it will be up to us save the species


As the faithless leader of Whidbey Island, I am responding to the “South Whidbey faith leaders” viewpoint in the April 5 edition of The Record.

I had a dream (copyright by the heirs of MLK) a human of immense platonic and erotic love (just like you). Unassisted by chemicals, I dreamed that waves were lapping at the roof of my home (built in 2005 at least one mile from then-beachfront homes). Refugees from the Maldive Islands (near India), now mostly Muslim, thus people of the Book, pulled me on deck. “We heard that as our islands sink beneath the sea we would be welcomed on Whidbey Island.”

I gaped at them in disbelief (chronic ailment among us atheists), “You are fleeing islands sinking under the ocean to take refuge on an island?”

I located the lifeboats just as I felt the ship, Faith, shudder and heard Captain NOAA (a human of indeterminate gender) call out “Take to the life boats, I think Faith hit a reef. No the reefs are gone, it must have been a gigantic ice cube from Antarctica (branded with a Russian flag) – abandon ship while I go down with it!”

On the lifeboat “Homo sapiens,” incredibly labeled capacity 7,500,000,000, water swashed over the gunwales. People prayed all around me. Rudely I called, “More bailing, less praying.” Next to me a young couple in their 20s knelt with their eight children and read Bible verses. In my perpetual disrespect, I said, “We all love children. Perhaps move them to the center of the boat and strap their hands to rings on the boat deck before they are washed into the sea.”

To the people leaning over the deck, casting for fish and trying to pull up crab pots, I said “All who lived on Whidbey Island loved seafood; please bail!”

Distressed by volunteer firefighters lacking dummies cracking real ribs and more children praying to Santa to airlift them, I tried without success to call a Coast Guard helicopter on my sea-salt-shorted mobile phone.

Seriously, it is up to us to save our species.