ALL ABOARD: It’s 3 a.m., I make the phone call and who answers?

Last Saturday night, upon returning from a day of fun in the Coupeville sun, I realized again how difficult it is to wind down when one is wound up.

Not wound up like a golden retriever with a tennis ball, but wound up like the father-of-the-bride after a full day of frenzied friends and family.

After being on and off the microphone at the glorious Penn Cove Water Festival, I took a brief but scenic commute to the Crockett Barn to help with the fifth Annual Whidbey Animal Improvement Foundation’s Spring Fling Dinner Auction, “An Evening in Paris.”

Bone Appetit, baby!

Try going to sleep after being entertained all evening by Can Can dancers. Can you say “can’t can’t”?

What else is there to do when your girlfriend is out of town but find the remote and turn on the tube?

Even with 200 channels on the DISH Network, quality tube time on Saturday night is as rare as a B positive blood type.

After surfing through all channels twice, I stopped briefly to watch part of a 1959 Audie Murphy western with Joanne Dru and Sandra Dee.

Remember World War II war hero Audie Murphy’s classic westerns?

Whenever he took his cowboy hat off, Murphy’s hair had more waves than a Sunlight Beach high tide.

Then, while noticing that several networks were carrying a show called “Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts,” I decided to watch. What memories!

Bob Hope, Jack Benny, Milton Berle, Sinatra before his postage stamps, Angie Dickinson, Joey Bishop, Don Rickles, Lucille Ball, Orson Welles and more.

Feeling sentimental after helping raise money for our beloved shelter animals, I picked up the phone to order.

“Hello, I am Brian. This call may be recorded for quality purposes. May I take your order now?”

“Thanks, Brian, can I also receive a copy of our phone conversation if I order today?”

“May I take your order, sir?”

“Not yet, but I did want to know if I act now to buy the first Dino DVD for only $9.95, how many more will I have to buy at $19.95 plus $3.95 shipping and handling to acquire the complete set of Celebrity Roasts?”

“Sir, you will receive a new DVD every other month for $19.95. That’s two shows every other month. May I take your order now, sir?”

“How many DVDs are there total? Can I buy all of them at once and save?”

“No sir, but you can order the first 10 DVDs today, then a new DVD every other month for 14 months. May I take your order now?”

“Wouldn’t that cost about $400?”

“Yes sir, but these DVDs are not sold in stores. May I take your order now?”

“Sure, Brian, I’d like two cheeseburgers with fries, extra pickles, no ketchup, and please, hold the Dino.”

As I began singing “That’s Amore,” I could hear the phone go dead.