June 25, 2008 · Updated 12:32 PM
"There are plenty of choices for presidentAnyone who thinks there is no choice in the presidential race isn't reading his or her voters pamphlet. There are more people out there who want to be president than Al W. Gore-Bush, the Demopublican candidate whose ideas all come from polls. If you want change, don't look to the guys who share the same suits.Look no further than Harry Brown, Libertarian candidate for president, who would entirely privatize Social Security, end drug prohibition and erase all gun laws. Retirees could sit on the porch in their rocking chair with an AK-47 across their laps and a joint in their lips. That's real change.If Brown isn't your type, try David McReynolds, the Socialist Party nominee for president. He would close all U.S. military bases outside our own borders, stop spending money on prisons and use it for prevention instead, and have the people take over the Fortune 500 companies, possibly with those ex-prisoners given corporate jobs. Would it hurt so much to swap one set of crooks for another?If you prefer worker socialists, try James Harris of the Socialist Workers party. He calls for a revolutionary workers and farmers government that will overturn capitalism, assuming he can find any actual workers and farmers in the information age.For you ultraconservative types, Howard Phillips of the Constitution Party may be your choice for president. An egg will become a person immediately upon being fertilized, and therefore subject to telemarketers. Taxes would be replaced by tariffs on imported stuff, and he'll get us out of the United Nations pronto. No wars until the enemy crosses our borders, and then we'll open fire.Compared to Phillips, Pat Buchanan of the Reform Party looks like a liberal. He would end military adventurism except for a war against hyphens, which are tearing America apart as all you Norwegian-Americans realize.If you prefer a warm and fuzzy government, try John Hagelin of the Natural Law party. His government would keep Americans healthy, safeguard the food supply, and reduce high levels of societal stress.Ralph Nader of the Green party wants to provide universal health insurance, save the environment and wage peace, meaning that foreign governments that cause trouble will have to deal with Winona LaDuke, his running mate.And finally, there's Monica Moorehead, whose name we wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole, presidential candidate for the Workers World Party. She would shut down the Pentagon and provide sex reassignment for transgender people on demand. First in line will be Gore and Bush if polls show people would like them better as women. "