June 25, 2008 · Updated 12:41 PM
"America's marketing experts have failed us at Thanksgiving. After all these years there's nothing to buy but food.How this came about is inexplicable, as every other holiday is exploited to the fullest degree possible. A minor part of the Christmas story involves gifts, so we all buy carloads of gifts each Christmas. Easter has nothing to do with candy, eggs, bonnets and spring dresses, but we all buy them anyway. On the Fourth of July, we don't read the Declaration of Independence - we do the American thing and load up on fireworks and beer. And Halloween, once a time for simple sweets and homemade costumes, now consumes multi-billions of dollars as people fork over for tons of candy, huge parties and elaborate costumes.Only Thanksgiving remains true to its roots as a time when people gather together to enjoy a bountiful meal. Marketers and media hypesters have never given us a reason to buy more. We can only surmise that there must be something wrong with the basic Thanksgiving story. It needs a little perking up so our marketeers can go to work. Such as:Once upon a time, Pilgrims, clad in laughable costumes that they would soon change for spiffy Nordstrom outfits, arrived in America, driving over from Amsterdam on the old Europe-America land bridge which fell into the ocean just after the Pilgrims drove across. The Pilgrims in the fastest, most expensive automobiles arrived first, therefore setting a precedent for all future Americans.Upon arriving in America, the Pilgrims were without refrigerators, dishwashers, TV's, VCR's, and stereos, so they went about buying them from indigenous tribes of merchants who slashed prices 20 percent when they saw the Pilgrims coming.That first winter was incredibly hard as many of the Pilgrims had maxed out their American Express cards and had to survive on what they earned, a concept which would make future generations of Americans shudder in disbelief. But after a profitable spring and summer in which the stockmarket skyrocketed thanks to high-tech soapmaking and basket weaving companies, the Pilgrims finally had something to celebrate. So they invited the indigenous merchants to a party, which was held on the fourth Thursday of November.They called it Thanksgiving, because the Pilgrims were thankful that none of the stuff they had acquired was repossessed during that dark first winter of endless late statements from the credit card company back in The Netherlands.They had survived their first year in America, and henceforth future generations would remember their sacrifices by purchasing massive quantities of automobiles, clothing and durable goods each Thanksgiving. The end.Now, if we can only get this new Thanksgiving story circulated, we should be able to give the economy yet another kick in the pants. And as we know, that's what holidays are all about. Happy Thanksgiving. "