Off the Record

"If you're on the Internet, you more than likely get your share of funnies. This stuff spreads faster than news that a restaurant on South Whidbey is opening or closing its doors. Whether they're jokes, poetry, photos, cartoons, chain letters or those feel good pieces...they make up a big chunk of cyberspace.Some of this bulk e-mail is worth passing on; much of it is downright corny or stupid. But all it takes is one click on DELETE to get it out of your face...my kind of spring-cleaning. Here are some e-mails that have been hangin' in my in-box for the past few weeks. If you're a Netizen, you may have already read them, so just DELETE the old fashioned way...line your hamster cage with my column. And if there are particular pieces that don't rattle your funny bones, let me know. Send me an e-mail like the one below, in response to my controversial Confused George column. Or if you're really brave, write a letter to the editor. By the way, who let the humor out? Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!DEAR SUE: I don't like sending this e-mail, but I think it needs to be done. We were quite unhappy, to say the least, with the article you did on George Bush in the Jan. 31 issue. And judging from the talk on the street, we are not the only ones. Several of our friends were upset by it. After eight years of Arkansas sleaze, cheating, philandering, lying, stealing, illegal fundraising, etc. it is like a breath of fresh air to have a grown-up in The White House who will restore some dignity to that office. Your article is not only belittling to our new president; it is upsetting to those of us who supported him and who could see through the smokescreen of the Clinton-Gore Hollywood-hugging crowd. We are very pleased by Bush's performance so far, and the polls seem to indicate that we are not alone. I know you intended the article to be funny, but it wasn't. Maybe you should stay out of politics in your column. MORE DUBYA DABBLING: George W. Bush was asked how he felt about Roe vs. Wade. He said it was the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware. FUTURISTIC HEADLINES OF 2050:Florida to be readmitted to UnionPlague of spotted owls threaten crops, livestockTexas executes last remaining citizenMother Monica Dies: Revered hero of Bangkok slums overcame lurid past with U.S. PresidentWealthy widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, weds handsome young actor. This is true love, he beams.Construction begins on Grenada War Memorial in D.C.Cody, Cassidy Gifford elude authorities: Drug-crazed crime spree continues President Bonecrusher Jones to face Chief Justice Mad Dog Ortega in cage matchBaltimore Rams defeat Saint Louis RavensPope Phil II settles custody battle with ex-wifeUpcoming NFL draft likely to focus on mutantsYounger generation's music provokes outrage of elders D.C. Zoo to receive rare cow Authentic Year 2000 Chad sells for $6.9 million at Sotheby'sNursing home lawsuit case: Clinton denies candy striper's allegationsCourt clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobil of monopoly charges.50-Year Study: Diet and exercise key to weight lossBaby conceived naturallyCal Ripken, Jr. reduced to DH roleIt wasn't the cigarettes-it was the ashtrays. FOR YOU WORD JUNKIES: Here are some entries from The Washington Post's annual Style Invitational, in which The Post invites its readers to take any word from the dictionary and alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter and supplying a new definition. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to begin with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted really, really high.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit).Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.Sue Frause can be reached by email at skfrause@whidbey.com. "

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