What we can learn about life from the Dalai Lama

For the last three weeks I have had to postpone my column on community gossip. So much is going on I think I better wait another week. There is more perking around here than coffee and well water.

OK, so we have a choice. So we can move to Bothell or downtown Detroit and go unnoticed.

But what fun would that be if people were not talking behind your back? At least somebody knows you and cares enough about you to say the very least. Kind of like a Hallmark Card of discouragement.

More on that later.

First I want to share with you the alleged Tibetan Personality Test suggested by the Dalai Lama. Since he has not returned my phone calls, I have been unable to authenticate his Holiness as the source. Yet, I have tried this on my family and we feel that our results are accurate within two or three degrees Fahrenheit.

You will need a pen and paper or an Etch-A-Sketch. Please do not do this while driving unless you are at an arcade.

This is harmless, painless and in some cases, totally worthless. Again, you be the judge, even if you are not wearing a robe.

Before we begin, make a wish. It has something to do with your results.

First, and five most, put the following five animals in the order of your preference: cow, tiger, sheep, horse and pig. Only these five animals. List them in order of your preference.

Good job. Now, write down one word (and the first word that comes to mind may be the best) that describes each one of the following: dog, cat, rat, coffee, sea. Take your time, but be honest. There is no wrong answer.

We’re half way there.

Third, think of someone, who also knows you and is important to you, who can relate to the following colors. Do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each color: yellow, orange, red, white and green.

If you have gone this far without writing down your answers, you are either very smart or very bored. We thank you. Final question.

Write down your favorite number and your favorite day of the week.

OK, having broken your test booklets, are you satisfied with your answers? If so, repeat your wish before reading further.

Your answers to the first question define your priorities in your life. Cow signifies CAREER. Tiger signifies PRIDE. Sheep signifies LOVE. Horse signifies FAMILY. Pig signifies MONEY.

No wonder I had pig last on my list. Shall I tell my tellers? My creditors already know. Soo-eey!

In question number two above, your description of dog implies your own personality; your description of cat implies the personality of your partner; your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies; your description of coffee is how you interpret sex. (Use the word romance with the kids, eh?) Thank God my kid doesn’t drink coffee.

Your description of the sea implies your own life.

How are you doing so far? Kinda cool, isn’t it, unless your description of sea was “chicken of the.”

The Dalai Lama’s person of color wheel denotes the following: Yellow is the color for the person you will never forget; orange is the color for the person you consider your true friend; red is the color of someone that you really love; white is the color for the person who is your twin soul; Finally, green is the color of someone that you will remember for the rest of your life.

That’s for sure. I put down Terry Greene, our talented lifetime local who keeps the arms wrestling every third week of August at the Island County Fair. Plus, Terry does a variety of birdcalls authentic to the birds of this area, particularly south of Greenbank, and north of Greene Acres.

If you have finished, you are invited to send this column to as many persons as is your favorite number. Your wish will come true on the day that you recorded. Notice that the Dalai Lama does not say which year, just the day.

Within the next 96 hours, you will have a very pleasant surprise. This is true even if you are not superstitious or are a registered Libertarian.

If you send this column to four persons or less, your life will improve slightly. If you send this column to five to nine persons, your life will improve to your liking. If you send this column to 10-14 persons, you will have at least five surprises in the next three weeks. Better get a small notebook.

Should you mail this column to 15 or more persons, you will not only spend good money on postage, your tongue will be dry.

I suggest instead using the South Whidbey Record Website to send the columns via e-mail. This week’s column is linked under “opinion.”

I wonder if I need the Dalai Lama’s signed release for this.

Maybe I’ll just forego his Holiness’ paperwork. Instead I think I’ll thank his Holiness with an autographed picture of our Island County commissioners.

Wouldn’t you love to see how they score on this pop quiz?

Have a great week.

Hope to see you at the Dog House in Langley for this Wednesday’s Ides of March Island Arts Council Poetry Slam; 8 p.m. kickoff.

No fees. No experience required. All personalities, Tibetan or otherwise, are encouraged and welcome.

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