South Whidbey Record


EDITORIAL | A cure for the Great Recession

November 14, 2012 · Updated 1:47 PM

The Great Recession has compelled voters to seek great relief in the form of alcohol and marijuana.

With a pile of unpaid bills sitting on the kitchen table, the stress is unbearable. A shot of whiskey or toke on a marijuana cigarette might be just what the doctor ordered — if we could afford a doctor.

Consequently, voters can buy hard liquor where we buy groceries and toiletries. Where the pet food was once displayed in the front of the store, there are now racks of hard liquor, some sounding like liquid candy. Cinnamon whiskey, anyone? How about some orange vodka?

Costco was behind the liquor initiative. The giant discounter wanted to jack up its profits by 2 percent so it spent more than $20 million to persuade voters it was a good idea to get the state out of the booze business.

This month’s “recreational marijuana” initiative was another sales job well done, with the main pitchmen being former federal prosecutors. Island County voted yes by a 56 percent majority, reflecting the results elsewhere. The Liquor Control Board has now been charged with developing an entire marijuana supply system, from farming to packaging, sales and security. In a year or so we my see state-sanctioned stores selling neatly packaged marijuana. Perhaps the Legislature should remove George Washington from our state seal and flag and replace him with the Zig Zag man. It would help attract tourists with their dope money, which will circulate around the community. Every dollar spent on pot will help fill the registers of ’60s style clothing stores and stores that specialize in snacks to satisfy the munchies. At some point, no doubt, Costco will demand a piece of the action, so we can expect pot to be available at the local five and dime.

We may not have good jobs, benefits or secure retirements, but we will have easy access to alcohol and marijuana. We can laugh at those unpaid bills on the kitchen table until they kick us out of our houses, knowing the hooch and weed will take the pain out of being homeless. The government will step in with alcohol and marijuana stamps to make such substances available to all, regardless of income.

Welcome to America, where through a boozy haze we still think we’re a great country.

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