Opinion

MONKEY THINK, MONKEY WRITE: Roundtable agrees: It’s a sad, sad day indeed

Being a member of the media elite, I often get called down from my ivory tower to help out on blue ribbon commissions, scholarly task forces and such.

So it was with great pride that

I accepted the job of moderator at a recent roundtable meeting of the Defenders of the Faith.

I later found out they only asked me to fill in because they were desperate and could find no one else. Didn’t matter; I was still proud.

The Defenders had abruptly gathered to discuss “What Happened,” the just-released book by former White House press secretary Scott McClellan. There was such a buzz about the book that

I could hardly wait to read it myself. I got the roundtable underway.

Monkey: “Thanks for inviting me today as moderator, gentlemen. Since there are some new faces here today, let’s go around the table and introduce ourselves.”

First defender: “I’m Kerr Mudgeon, First Defender of the Faith.”

Second defender: “Welcome, Monkey. I’m longtime member Dee Ception.”

Third defender: “Hello. I’m Kerr Plunk, Second Defender of the Faith.”

Me: “Wait, we have two people named Kerr? I will never keep you both straight.”

I pointed to the first Kerr. “I’m just gonna call you Joe, OK?”

First defender: “No, that won’t work for me. In fact, you should call me mister, you young whippersnapping punk.”

Me: “OK, forget it. Let’s dispense with the introductions and get on with today’s discussion. We’re here to talk about Scott McClellan’s new book, which I have not read, but I can tell you is an absolute blockbuster. A bombshell. An unimpeachable tome that will stand the test of time and one that offers tremendous insights into the workings of the White House.”

Dee: “Now, wait a minute, I thought impeachment was off the table. And to accuse this Tome fellow, whoever he or she is and whatever he or she has done to serve our great president and our great nation — in that order — of wrongdoing is reckless and sleazy. It’s highly reprehensible.”

Kerr Plunk: “Hold on, Dee, I have to disagree. I think it’s utterly reprehensible.”

Joe: “I think we can all agree that our media friend here is reprehensible, to varying degrees, but we’re really here today to talk about the traitorous actions of Scott McClellan.”

Kerr: “Point taken. I must tell you all that I was sad, and disappointed, and sad some more when I heard of McClellan’s untrue and spurious allegations. From the hundreds of times I have met with McClellan, this book did not sound like the Scott that

I knew.”

Me: “What did the Scott McClellan that you know sound like?”

Kerr: “It was always, ‘Yes, sir, right away, sir.’ Or, ‘I’ll get right on it, sir.’”

Joe: “Remember how he always used to say, ‘What is thy bidding, my master?’ That was classic.”

Dee: “I’m sad, but I’m also puzzled. This doesn’t sound like the Scott I know, either. Even when others were telling him what to do, he was always the same old Scott. Cheney would say something like, ‘I sense something. A presence I’ve not felt since...’ Then Scott would make sure all the reporters in the room were from Fox. And then Cheney would be all, ‘I hope so, for your sake, the Emperor is not as forgiving as I am.’”

Kerr: “I agree. I find his lack of faith disturbing.”

Dee: “Can you believe he got paid for this book? He’s in it for the money, I bet. And he has the gall to call himself a conservative.”

Kerr: “It’s unprofessional and it makes me sad. If he had a problem with what was going on, he should have just spoken up like everyone else in the White House does.”

Joe: “The timing has me curious. It’s completely diverted attention away from that latest Obama story we cooked up about the crazy preacher.”

Dee: “He’s way off base. What makes him the expert on the White House? Next thing you know, he’ll be giving fashion advice.”

Kerr: “That reminds me. Have you seen the Decider’s new robe? It’s to-die for. Only one like it in the world, made of the finest thread, the finest silk.”

Next time: Many miles to go.

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