Opinion

The fist bump is just one sign of a potential terrorist

I was recently informed by a fair-and-balanced news source that presidential hopeful Barack Obama was caught on film bumping fists with his wife Michelle.

Now you might think there are worse things to be caught bumping, but there are not, I assure you.

According to my source, the knuckle-knocking hand gesture between the two is actually known as a “terrorist fist bump” by experts in our homeland security apparatus.

Knowing how such experts are always right, all of the time, I decided to do a little research on “terrorist fist bumping.” And I was surprised to learn that terrorist fist bumps are just one part of the hidden, unspoken language of evildoers around the globe.

In fact, terrorists and suspected terrorists — as well as terrorists to be — not only have a complete repertoire of hand gestures and signals that they share amongst their dastardly comrades, they also have other greetings they use on each other when they are in the mood for a practical joke.

For example, you’d never want to get pranked by one of your terrorist friends with a Great Wedgie of Jihad. You may be surprised to know that terrorists who have been the subject of a Great Wedgie of Jihad in years’ past are still living the struggle to this day.

The Great Wedgie of Jihad is not to be confused with the Mother Of All Wedgies, which really is the worst WMD [weapon of mass discomfort] you can imagine.

Indeed, a MOAW strikes great fear in the hearts and minds of terrorists, and many have been known to spend weeks hiding out in spider holes in the hopes of avoiding one.

Perhaps the only thing worse than a Great Wedgie of Jihad or a MOAW is the original weapon of shock and awe: the dreaded Wet Willie. You know you are really tight with a terrorist buddy when he leans over and plants one of those on you.

Before the terrorist fist bump became popular, the chest bump was the really big thing with most evildoers. You couldn’t spend five minutes in a madrassa without seeing six or seven of them.

The popularity of the chest bump started to fade a bit when so many terrorists began wearing vest bombs and it got harder and harder for them to bump chests. The fad all but died out.

Thankfully, the influence of western culture is starting to change all that. But, as luck would have it, fashion tastes today could prevent a major comeback.

I mean, it’s one thing to be told, “That jacket is the bomb!” and it’s another thing to look like a big lard-o at the market in Sharm

El Sheikh.

More and more, terrorists are beginning to question the whole dynamite-sticks-strapped-to-the-chest thing. “Does this bomb vest make me look fat?” a few have been wondering. “I can’t show up at my next sleeper cell meeting looking bulgy. Everybody thinks I’ve been working out.”

Next time: Lost in translation, revisited.

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