Opinion

Editor's Column

"One thing this state has always lacked is a good amusement park, but that deficiency is about to end. Something called The Great Northwest Development Company plans to build the biggest amusement park in Washington, Oregon and several other states in Lakewood, a town south of Tacoma best known for its drive-by shootings.Unfortunately, the development company is based in Louisville, Kentucky, and probably has no idea what attractions in the $100 million park will best reflect The Great Northwest as we have come to know it today. So before they order another rollercoaster, they might want to consider these rides and attractions.THE BIG SHAKEDOWN: Patterned after Washington State government, this is a rollercoaster with a twist, as people are strapped in, suspended upside down, and shaken until their loose change and wallets fall out. Gov. Gary Locke is the operator and gets to fill his pockets with the proceeds.LATTE NIGHTMARE: In this attraction, people pay $3 and get nothing but a fancy cup of coffee. They have to leave through a hilariously laughing image of Mrs. Olson.RIOTSVILLE: Downtown Seattle is replicated in this production. People can break windows and steal all they want, but anyone caught doing no harm will be gassed.The I-695 DISASTER: In this event, a barker outside the tent scares the dickens out of people about to enter. They expect to find the end of the world, but instead they only have to pay for a bus ride back out.GROOVY WORLD: This updated bumper car attraction features short, horrifying drives on I-5 and its groovy concrete created by studded tires. Cars fly off the road to the right and to the left, except on the one day of the year that it snows.THE MARBLE ZOO: This Great Northwest attraction buses visitors to Olympia, where they can watch the amusing inhabitants -- but only registered lobbyists are allowed to feed them their restricted diet of foldable greens. The denizens of the zoo don’t do anything constructive, but they’re fun to watch as they make a tremendous noise and go ape.FERRY FANTASY: This amazing Great Northwest offering consists of a scenic boat ride which in which the cost of a ticket covers only 60 percent of the cost of providing the ride. It proves so popular that Great Northwest goes broke and returns home to Kentucky, poorer but wiser."

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