Opinion

Editor's column

"Start building that SpamamidLet’s face it. We were all fools. All of us who prepared for Y2K by buying a can of Spam and other emergency food were idiots. We believed the Y2K scaremongers. We’re the kind of gullible people who 100 years ago made snake oil salesmen rich. Just sound sincere enough and we’ll believe it -- who needs evidence?Some people say that the billions of dollars business and government spent on Y2K problems prevented a Y2K disaster in the U.S.A. But in reality, that money went to computer experts who drank champagne, bought Porsches, and laughed all the way to the bank. Russians spent zero on Y2K and billions on vodka and didn’t launch one nuclear missile by accident. The Chinese no doubt threw Y2K doomsayers into jail where they belong. Only in America, where computer geeks are worshipped, did we take them seriously.But enough of this self flagellation. With 2000 safely under way, the only question now is what to do with all these Y2K supplies. Wait for Mount Rainier to blow its top? Nah. There’s no comfort in being buried alive with a ton of Spam. We’ll just have to get rid of the stuff, which is easier said than done.Nobody right-thinking person will touch a can of Spam. They’d rather starve. And the Food Bank won’t take it, nor will missionary groups who, if they offered natives Spam, would be boiled right along with it.What we should do is ship all our cans if Spam to Nevada, where they can be opened and the meatlike substance exposed in the desert to dry. Then the pinkish bricks of substance can be piled sky-high in a structure that will put the pyramids to shame. We’ll end up with a tourist attraction -- the Spamamid, that will be the eighth wonder of the world, as in “I wonder why they built that?” Like the ancient Egyptians, we’ll leave them wondering -- just for fun.With the Spam problem solved, we can turn our attention to the rice and beans that fill basements and pantries throughout Whidbey Island. If we leave them there, eventually there will be a leak or a flood, the rice and beans will massively expand, and our houses will be blown apart. So the only solution is to make the world’s largest rice and bean casserole, with perhaps some leftover Spam thrown in. Covered with a few inches of clay and some grass seed, it will make a cheap soccer field for the kids.That leaves us with those barrels of fresh water we stored away for Y2K. Why we did this is particularly curious. Did the Arabs store sand? Regardless, we can’t let those barrels go to waste. Just pop off the lids and offer to let tourists bathe in genuine Whidbey Island groundwater, guaranteed to contain spiritual healing qualities, for only $20 an hour. If you like the tourist, throw in a massage for another fifty bucks.Once the Spam, rice, beans and water are gone we can begin to heal from our Y2K humiliation. Next time someone predicts a disaster, emulate the Russians and buy a bottle of vodka."

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