Opinion

Editor's column

"For weeks I've given deep thought to who we should hire as the new superintendent of schools. Ive seen several come and go, I've witnessed their tumultuous relationship with the school board and parents, and I have concluded that this time around we should hire a monkey. Central Washington University has several retired research chimpanzees, any one of which would make a fine superintendent of schools for South Whidbey. Since Central's chimps have spent years at the college we can give our superintendent an honorary doctorate. That way, we can refer to our leader as Dr. Monkey, following in the footsteps of Dr. Bjork, Dr. Jarvis and Dr. Kniseley.Like most lower primates, Dr. Monkey will have a small vocabulary. She will express pleasure by vocalizing ooh ooh ooh oooh, and fear or anger by screeching eee eee eee eee!!! Though limited, this is all it takes to communicate effectively with the school board and parents. For example:School Board: Dr. Monkey, although our collective education doesn't qualify us to teach math to a four-year-old, here's how we think a doctor such as yourself should approach education. It's a 25-step program . . . .Dr. Monkey (jumping up and down, long, yellow canines bared): Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!!!School Board: Well, maybe you're right. We'll let you educate the students if you promise not to bite us.Dr. Monkey (cooing): Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.Or, how about this exchange with a parent.Parent: Dr. Monkey, my son's teacher is rude and overly strict, and punishes Billy just because he swears in class which is his free speech right and expresses himself by pulling pigtails, which has a long tradition of acceptance in this country.Dr. Monkey (canines bared again): Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee!!!Parent: Well, if you're going to react that way, I'll just have to talk to the teacher directly. And perhaps Billy should change his behavior. Thanks, Dr. Monkey!Dr. Monkey: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.Of course, being an effective superintendent requires more than dealing with the school board and parents. The superintendent must relate positively to the community, especially when it's time to meet with every club on South Whidbey in an effort to pass the school levy. Dr. Monkey could handle this, too.Rotary president: We are honored to have with us this morning Dr. Monkey, who will explain the levy request. Dr. Monkey, will you please come down from the chandelier and take the podium?Dr. Monkey: Instead of giving a speech, Dr. Monkey takes all the leftover scrambled eggs and flings them throughout the room, starting the first Rotary Club food fight in history. Everyone has such a good time that the levy is heartily endorsed.We can see how Dr. Monkey's simple communication techniques are just what South Whidbey needs. The school board will mind its own business, parents with problems will go directly to their children's teacher, and the community will love the superintendent.But the best thing about Dr. Monkey is this: She'll work for bananas instead of $100,000 annually. We can use the money to buy textbooks."

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