June 25, 2008 · Updated 9:40 PM
"The reason newspapers seldom say anything positive about political candidates is that they don't want to see their statements on a campaign brochure. This happens to The South Whidbey Record on occasion, as our readers may notice if they closely peruse their junk mail around election time. You should know that we receive not a penny from these politicians for stealing our quotations, who inevitably use only the positive things we have to say. It's like movie reviews, where the reviewer will write that the movie is a Great Disaster, and the theater marquee will quote the reviewer as saying Great . . . My main concern is fairness -- not all politicians have a quote from The Record that they can use. This doesn't seem right, so I have penned the following newspaper editorial that all politicians can feel free to use. Simply insert your own name where it says Candidate X. Permission is hereby granted, no need to make a written request. To make it easy, the parts you may want to quote are printed in bold capital letters.Candidate X has spent the last few years in office, and is now seeking re-election, after having done a REMARKABLE job of lining the pockets of himself and his cronies through dubious BUDGETING that would test a Mafia bookkeeper's ABILITIES.Candidate X has shown himself to be a coarse, crude, TOUGH manipulator, who ON more than one occasion has perpetrated a CRIME against the electorate.Thanks to his close connection to a Mafia FAMILY, those basic VALUES that Americans hold most dear ARE not IMPORTANT TO THIS CANDIDATE.Some people call Candidate X temperamental, but this is a FANTASTIC understatement. He has killer INSTINCTS which SERVE him well, but which have led to the untimely deaths of certain members of THE PUBLIC who oppose him.Candidate X DISPLAYS disdain for taxpayers' money and morality, using the money for junkets to FOREIGN countries, where his well-publicized AFFAIRS show his EXPERTISE is more suited to the bedroom than the boardroom. Candidate X CARES ABOUT his own bank account, not THE ENVIRONMENT. He LOVES money, not TREES, STREAMS and MOUNTAINS. His CONCERN FOR SALMON is limited to the tastiness of the fish on his plate; as always, his own appetite IS PARAMOUNT.It is this newspaper's opinion that if you like like corrupt, self-serving politicians, then by all means VOTE FOR CANDIDATE X. "