Opinion

Editor's Column

"THello? Is this the Church of God? I need help with my drinking problem.Thank you for calling the Church of Whomever, formerly the Church of God. What can we do for you?Church of Whomever? Why the name change?We're participating in President George W. Bush's faith-based social services initiative. He gives us a potful of money, which we use to help the poor and needy. All we have to do is follow a few federal guidelines regarding separation of church and state. The Church of Whomever will appeal to believers of all stripes, while not discriminating against pagans and atheists. Now, tell us about your problem.Well, my drinking has gotten so bad that my wife took the kids and left me all alone. I'd like to quit, but can't seem to do it on my own. I thought perhaps you would help me call on a higher power.Here at the Church of Whomever, we offer the best counselors available in this city, trained in the most modern approaches to combat substance abuse.Well, I've failed at counseling several times. I thought maybe somebody could pray for me.Unfortunately, prayer to a higher authority does not comply with our federal guidelines. However, we can redirect your call up the line, to the Church of Whomever's assistant director of faith-based services, or, if you insist, the director himself. You can't get any higher than that without paying long distance charges.Sorry, I'm tired of counselors. I really need something more spiritual.In that case, all of us at the Church of Whomever will keep you in our thoughts, especially during the moment of silence with which we begin each new day.I'll be in your thoughts? That's thoughtful of you, but can your thoughts help me quit drinking? Besides, I don't know that I really want to be mixed up with all those other thoughts of yours, which may not be too wholesome.No need to worry! According to U.S. Code, Section 49, Subsection 12, Paragraph 3, our faith-based thoughts must be wholesome from 8 to 5, except for an hour during lunch and two 15-minute breaks.I haven't gone to church since I was a kid, but I was thinking someone in the Holy Trinity may be able to help me.At the Church of Whomever, the Holy Trinity consists of the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches of government, which work together to sustain this faith-based approach to spending federal money. They've certainly helped us, and perhaps they can help you, too.Even though I'm at the end of my rope, I guess you can't give me the help I need. I called because I can't do this alone. I thought I could at least come to your church and worship.You want to worship? Why didn't you say so! The Church of Whomever opens its doors to all who want to worship the one thing we all believe in: The Almighty Dollar. "

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