June 25, 2008 · Updated 9:43 PM
"Identity theft is striking terror in the hearts of Americans who fear thieves will steal their good names and all their worldly goods. Perhaps I can allay their fears by turning the thieves' eyes toward myself. Go ahead. Take mine. Take my identity. You can have it.If only some misguided identity thief would rifle through my mailbox and rip off all those pre-approved credit cards. Steal all those blank checks they keep sending me. Grab those utility bills with useful information about myself. Take all the stuff from the government and colleges, who work closely together to make sure I'll never have a red cent to call my own. You can fill out the FAFSA (Federal Agency Fighting Sane Americans) forms, in which the government and colleges announce your laughingly low combined family income to your own humiliated children and the entire world.No need to stop by my mailbox every day to perform the theft. Just give me your address and I'll drive the stuff over to your place, no questions asked. You can have my identity, and I deliver.Take my credit card. All it does is remind me of what we spent. Take my debit card, so you can pay an extra 35 cents every time you steal gas with it. Take my Social Security number. By the time I retire, fellow baby boomers will have sucked Social Security dry. Our retirement plan will be either win the Lotto with our last paycheck, or take Congress' new Nonpartisan Retirement Plan for the Poor, otherwise known as lethal injection.When the bill collectors come knocking I will no longer exist, so I'll direct them to my personal identity thief (PIT, as the banks would call it). You can be me. You can give answers to the credit card companies, colleges, utilities and the government.As for me, I won't have any identity. People will leave me alone for the simple reason that you stole my existence from the mailbox. And you will learn the cruel lesson that crime indeed does not pay; that stealing the identity of someone such as myself is the PITs. "