Opinion

Editor's Column

"WASHINGTON -- Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan expressed his first doubts about free trade and open borders today.Greenspan spoke shortly after having been given the axe by President George W. Bush.Mr. Greenspan has been an effective Federal Reserve chairman for years, but the fact is I've found somebody cheaper, said Mr. Bush.The President introduced Professor Whi Not Mi, a world famous economist from Taiwan. Professor Mi has at least as much money supply knowledge as Mr. Greenspan, and will work for half the price, said Mr. Bush.Mr. Greenspan, appearing shaken, said his free trade policies were not meant to replace persons such as himself with cheap foreign labor. Just last week he had urged more globalization, not less, and encouraged rich nations to further dismantle trade barriers so more Third World products can be sold in first world markets. He urged leaders not to be concerned about what he termed the creative destruction of jobs.But I wasn't talking about economists, Mr. Greenspan said after receiving the bad news from President Bush.The President said that like all displaced American workers, Mr. Greenspan need not be unemployed for long. The ex-Federal Reserve Chairman can be retrained at a local community college to repair computers or flip burgers at McDonald's.President Bush's bold move in replacing Mr. Greenspan inspired leaders of global corporations to take similar action. On NBC, the news of Mr. Greenspan's firing was reported by Mr. Nonuzis Gudnuz, who was the top Russian TV anchorman in Moscow. Former NBC anchorman Tom Brokaw showed up for work this morning only to find the door locked and a pink slip with his name on it.NBC is owned by GE, whose chairman, Jack Welch, admitted it was his call to fire Mr. Browkaw.Tom's been an excellent anchor, but let's face it, times are tough and we were paying him $6 million a year, said Mr. Welch. Mr. Gudnuz has just as much experience and will work for a fraction of the cost. And he's written a book called, 'The Real Greatest Generation,' about the patriotic Soviets who defeated Nazi Germany. We expect NBC's ratings to rise in American because of public interest, and soar in Russia due to Mr. Gudnuz's popular book. We would like to thank Mr. Brokaw for his years with NBC and wish him the best in future endeavors.The firings of Mr. Greenspan and Mr. Brokaw set off a wave of similar actions nationwide, as college boards and media managers gave the axe to thousands of highly-paid professors and media personalities who were replaced with educated, charismatic foreigners willing to promote free trade for far less.Meanwhile, Mr. Greenspan and Mr. Brokaw were seen on a New York City street corner later in the day. They seemed to be discussing starting a union. "

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