June 25, 2008 · Updated 9:45 PM
"Enjoy the Island County Fair de SoleilMaybe the animal rights people are right. It's a good thing the Barnyard Scramble is gone. We should get rid of all the animals at the Island County Fair. After all, animals have rights, too. They shouldn't be drafted into performing for the amusement of human beings, or even forced to be viewed at the fair. What about their privacy rights?The thought of circuses without animals was once nonsensical, but now the most famous circus in the world, Cirque de Soleil, has no animals. Just people doing tricks and signs saying please don't feed the humans. I don't know how entertaining it is, but it gets lots of positive press because news people can write about it without being criticized. Cirque de Soleil is coming to town! Can't wait to see all the people!It's time to create the Island County Fair de Soleil, which can't be accomplished simply by removing the animals. They have to be replaced by humans. That's the whole point of Cirque de Soleil.So let's take a look at the 2001 Island County Fair schedule and see how humans can take the place of animals.Horse Fitting & Showing: Sure, some 4-Her's will be disappointed, but instead of fitting and showing their horses, they'll have to fit and show themselves by carefully cutting their hair, clipping their nails, and learning to whinny and gallop around barrels. Little girls can be hauled from event to event in horse trailers.Animal barns: Sorry, no animals in the barns. Instead we'll have to recruit Whidbey Children's Theater actors to play the parts of chickens, rabbits, cavies, pigs and cows. Blue ribbons to all the best actors.4-H Livestock Auction: Talk about animal rights problems, this auction sells animals for market. This totally incorrect event will have to be changed to the 4-H Soybean Auction, with different bags of beans destined to become vegetarian imitation chicken, lamb or beef. It'll be hard to watch the tears in a 4-Her's eyes as the bag of beans she raised from a mere sprout is led off to the MorningStar Farm factory.Mutton Busting: Kids riding sheep? How 20th Century. Today, even sheep have lawyers. This event will have to be replaced by Daddy Busting, where dads are lassoed, hauled into the arena and forced to get down on all fours. Then kids will jump on their backs and ride like the wind. Since we're dealing with male humans, spurs and whips are not only allowed, but encouraged.Greased Pig Contest: This one's easy. Replace the pigs with politicians, whose bodies will finally be as slippery as their words. Whoever catches one will win the Bill Clinton Greased Human Contest Trophy, made from fool's gold.After visiting the arena and barns, visitors to the Island County Fair de Soleil will no doubt have worked up quite an appetite. We recommend the Kiwanis Barbecued Tofu. Don't worry, there won't be a line. "