June 25, 2008 · Updated 9:45 PM
"People don't understand the real reason behind President Bush's anti-missile defense effort, which will cost a zillion dollars and not work. Just this week scientists admitted that they can't track cheap missiles bought off-the-shelf at the Pyongyang Wal-Mart that come tumbling at us like a John Kitna pass. But that's not the point. The point is the U.S. has thousands of rocket scientists and for the sake of our way of life it's important to keep them employed in a safe location, under hundreds of feet of granite in Colorado, or where there is no intelligent life, in Washington, D.C.Many rocket scientists recently felt their jobs were threatened, and hence went forth into the real world to apply for jobs. It is a little known fact that some of them applied for jobs right here on Whidbey Island.As editor of The South Whidbey Record, I was surprised to see a rocket scientist's resume come across my desk for a reporter position. So I called him up.We're having trouble with the school board having secret meetings, I said. What would you do in a case like that?The rocket scientist didn't hesitate. It's nothing that couldn't be cured if we launched a missile with a 5 kiloton warhead from Kalamazoo, and dropped it down the school board's chimney, he replied.I appreciated the rocket scientist's direct and effective approach to the problem but decided not to hire him. He couldn't spell a lick.The South Whidbey Parks & Recreation District had a rocket scientist apply for the position of director.How would you manage the Tri-the-Rock Triathlon, which is fun for the participants but blocks all our roads for two hours? he was asked.Again, the rocket scientist had a simple solution. I'd strap the tri-athletes to a huge rocket and let them Tri-the-Moon, he said.Unfortunately, the Parks Board had failed to budget for a huge rocket, so had to hire the number two candidate.A rocket scientist also applied for the position of executive director of the Island District Economic Development Council.How would you attract more industry to Island County? the rocket scientist was asked.Needless to say, the rocket scientist had a simple answer. We should denude Whidbey Island and make its solid rock base the world's largest rocket launching pad, which would attract thousands of rocket scientists who would stay in cheap hotels and contribute to the 2 percent hotel/motel tax fund.This particular rocket scientist was hired on the spot, but he decided to take another job offer in Baghdad where he could have more fun shooting rockets at American jets.As we can see, rocket scientists can create appealingly simple and yet incredibly expensive solutions to any problem. That's why we have to keep them employed by the federal government, which can print all the money it needs to pay them whatever it takes to keep them out of the job market. "