A chicken crossing the road is truly poultry in motion

For those of you who might like a little wordplay with your celebration on the Fourth play, try these e-mail submissions from one of our regular readers who seeks to remain anonymous and near his family bar-b-que, obviously for security reasons.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If you are still with us, we thank you. It is wonderful to be able to be compensated in August while sharing public domain humor in July. This is certainly free speech in action.

Thanks to Ginny Nelson and her auction team of splendid and thoughtful donors for helping raise several thousand dollars for our local Relay for Life last weekend. Ginny’s boundless energy helped remind all of those in attendance of this truth: Whoever comes are the right people; whatever happens is the right thing; whenever it’s over is the right time.

Of course, tell that trio of positives to my ‘60s high school classmate Lee Keifer who many years ago was arrested one summer night for breaking into his own house.

He had locked himself out while sneaking across the street to meet his girlfriend for a late night swim at our city’s only public pool. Appropriately, Lee is now a prison warden somewhere in that state that we seldom mention that most of us came from before we got here.

I wonder how many public and private school field trips Lee runs inside, around and through the prison walls just to frighten small children.

Speaking of the state we seldom mention, Thomas Gregory Arthur, the baseball stadium concessionaire whose foot-long Nathan’s hot dog became the beloved Dodger Dog, died last month at the age of 84.

In 1962, when the Dodgers moved from the LA Coliseum to Dodger Stadium, Arthur, a former New Yorker, put excitement and the wafting fumes of the foot-long Dodger Dogs into the ballpark menu and bellies throughout southern name-of-the-state-here.

Were I to stretch, end-to-end, all of the Dodger Dogs that I joyously and passionately consumed during my double decades of loyal Dodger on-deckness, it is quite possible that these terrific ballpark treats, laced with sufficient sodium nitrite to salt Deer Lake, would stretch, in a not-so-straight line, from Shirley’s Restaurant at the ferry landing in Clin-

ton, well beyond the Deception Pass Bridge.

If nothing else, those previously released Dodger Dog burps would now be heard barking across the beaches of the Puget Sound.

Speaking of chow, this weekend marks the real beginning of our summer opportunities for family fun at local festivals and fairs. While enjoying the fireworks and patriotism of this weekend, we can also imagine the tastes, talent and treasures of Choochokam next weekend in Langley, the Loganberry Festival July 29th and 30 at the historic Greenbank Farm and our Island County Fair, the third week of August, from Thursday the 17th until Sunday the 20th.

Great line-ups of talent will adorn the streets and stages of Whidbey Island so be mindful of the bulletin boards of posters and the newspapers filled with events. You never know whom you almost missed until you find out you almost missed them. There’s that law degree kicking in again.

This year’s July 29 and July 30 Greenbank Farm Loganberry Festival features the musical talents of Amelia’s Only Daughters, The Pickled Herring Band, Janie Cribbs and Joe Reggiatore, Pachanga with Peggy Munoz, The Shifty Sailors, The Lost Vuarnets, Swords into Plowshares, Island Strings, Danny Ward and Reality, Titambe Marimba, and Da Sharks. Additional highlights include the food, the arts and crafts, the poetry and open mike readings and pie eating contests each day at noon, 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. for kids under 12.

Joining The Timebenders, The Good Time Gurus of Retro Rock n’ Roll, will be Island County Fair headliners and blues rockers The Duffy Bishop Band from Portland, the Northwest’s own country gentleman, The Gerry Andal Band and Nashville recording artist Jonathan Harris and his class act musicians. Check out the www.islandcountyfair.com Website for more specifics, or watch this space for updates.

In closing, let me welcome the many tourists who are here enjoying our sunny Whidbey weekdays and typical weekends of sunshine.

And if you believe that, you may not be a tourist much longer.

Let me know if you need a map to our local stars, guiding you quietly by the homes of our county commissioners, school board officials and the many mysteried players trying to figure a way to get a new easement through the county fairgrounds.

Jim’s columns are occasionally archived at www.southwhidbeyrecord.com.

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