Opinion

MONKEY THINK, MONKEY WRITE: Maybe I can get my facts ‘right’ enough for Fox News

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of the news business, and despite the best of intentions, we get sometimes get a detail wrong in a news story and must endure days of ringing telephones from the people who want to celebrate our achievement with us.

For the reporter and editor involved, it usually means a few days of humiliation followed by a weekend recuperating from the embarrassment with a cold six pack of Pabst, which, ironically, can sometimes lead to a few more days of humiliation, embarrassment and recuperation.

That’s why I was so excited to learn of a new job possibility.

I just discovered that the Fox News Channel, back in New York City, is looking to hire a “fact writer” for its news program.

I’m not sure, but I think it’s a new position.

According to the job description, the successful candidate will possess a strong interest in the news, be well-informed about current events, and pay close attention to spelling, grammar and syntax.

Despite the spelling and grammar part, I think I’m a perfect candidate for the job.

First and foremost, I have never been a big fan of syntaxes, so I pay close attention to them.

I am a strong opponent of adding government taxes to cigarettes, gambling and six packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, so any time that someone brings up the topic of syntaxes, I can truthfully tell my future co-workers at Fox News that the subject will have my undivided attention.

I’ve also heard a lot of debate about abolishing “S-state” taxes.

Personally, I don’t mind

“S-state” taxes. If I lived in South Carolina or South Dakota, however, it might be a different story.

The job description also says a fast writer is needed.

Advantage: Monkey. It should be noted that I can usually address an envelope in less than five minutes, not including the time it takes to affix a stamp. Writing something on a greeting card usually takes less then

10 minutes, unless a bunch of people have signed it already and I have to print really, really small. Now if that isn’t quick enough, well, there’s going to be a little trouble in New York City.

There are facts, of course, and then there are Fox facts. I’ve been practicing writing them, in case there’s a written test when they call me in for a job interview.

Here’s a few examples.

Fact: Baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez is getting divorced because his wife thinks he has been having an affair with pop superstar Madonna.

Fox fact: Alex Rodriguez never really wanted to go out with Madonna. But she put on that metal cone bra that she wore during the “Blonde Ambition” tour and backed him into a corner, so he had no choice. It was hook up or die.

Fact: Barack Obama is a good dancer, as everyone who saw him on the Ellen DeGeneres show knows.

Fox fact: Barack Obama is a good dancer because he is shuffling to the middle to attract moderate swing voters.

Fact: The robotic presidents at Disneyland have smoother moves than John McCain.

Fox fact: Americans don’t want a president who can dance, anyway. Remember all the laughter when Pres. Bush busted a move with those musicians who were visiting from Africa?

Now, let’s try it the other way.

Fox fact: America has untapped energy sources easily within reach here at home that can provide safe, reliable power.

Fact: Those untapped energy sources include the flashlight in the basement, the camping stove in the garage, and that really big rubber band in the junk drawer.

Next time: Dollar Johnny.

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