EDITOR’S COLUMN | An ax on the porch keeps the trees at bay

Well, I survived Thursday’s spring storm. My seemingly evil trees behaved themselves, keeping their man-killer-sized branches to themselves and out of my roof. It seems others on South Whidbey, however, weren’t so lucky. In separate incidents, a garage and a car were both damaged by falling trees in the Freeland area. To those unfortunates, you have my sympathies. Truly. Know that I understand your pain, for I also am a victim of tree abuse. The massive evergreens that surround my home have been trying to kill me for months.

Well, I survived Thursday’s spring storm. My seemingly evil trees behaved themselves, keeping their man-killer-sized branches to themselves and out of my roof.

It seems others on South Whidbey, however, weren’t so lucky. In separate incidents, a garage and a car were both damaged by falling trees in the Freeland area. To those unfortunates, you have my sympathies. Truly. Know that I understand your pain, for I also am a victim of tree abuse. The massive evergreens that surround my home have been trying to kill me for months.

Some friendly advice — skip the lectures, pleas or shameless begging. It doesn’t work. They won’t listen. Instead, “accidentally” leave an ax, or better yet a chainsaw, out on the front porch. It’s a far more effective deterrent to our silent nemeses.

Of course I may have just gotten lucky this go around, and was simply spared another expensive repair. Last year, a branch fell with enough force to punch a huge hole in my roof leaving several feet of the offending branch poking into the attic. More recently, another falling widowmaker just missed the house, leaving a mortar hole in the yard.

Thank God for the presidential race. It’s provided the perfect distraction, offering both comedy and outrage. The Republican debates, especially of late, are better than HBO. In fact, it’s made TV great again.

That’s not to say the Democratic debates haven’t been a gas too. On Wednesday we learned that Hilary Clinton is “not a natural politician.” Who’d have thought?

On that note, South Whidbey’s participation in presidential election years is always interesting, though they sometimes feel a bit one-sided. For example, so far there have been two roadside rallies for Bernie Sanders, the Vermont senator challenging Clinton for the Democrat nomination. But he’s hardly the most talked about presidential candidate. Just when, if ever, are we going to feel the Trump?

I strongly suggest that Donald Trump supporters hold a rally of their own. A colleague of mine wants to know if you really have horns. I don’t believe it. Signs that say, “Trump will save us from illegal Mexican rapists” maybe, but horns? Come on.

Perhaps there are just no Trump supporters on the South End. If that’s the case, he should propose some aggressive chicken dumping laws. That might earn him some backers. As several readers have correctly noted in response to The Record’s recent rooster story, there’s nothing funny about abandoning animals in Langley. Some stories simply shouldn’t be written tongue in beak.

As for me, I say forget the war on Mexicans and Muslims and focus on killer trees instead. They’re a far bigger threat in my neck of the woods.

Stay safe, South Whidbey.

 

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