“Hell no, absolutely not!”

That was my official response to The Record’s recent invitation to participate in the Clinton Library’s first Spellathon.

Do we wanna compete… psh, yeah right. Seriously? Can you spell “humiliation?” How about “mortified” or “soul crushing embarrassment?” No thanks.

As much fun as that sounds, we’ll pass. We’re bowing out before things get too bloody. Don’t get me wrong, I think we have the chops to go head-to-head with South Whidbey’s spelling elite, but competing now would simply be too risky. At just three writers, including myself, The Record can’t afford to lose a single reporter to what undoubtedly would be an evening of confidence shattering destruction.

I can just hear it now, years of unrelenting wise cracks.

“Hey, remember when a bunch of retired ladies and gents creamed The Record at the spelling bee? They misspelled supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. What a bunch of donkeys. Hee-haw, hee-haw!”

Again, no thanks.

Given the choice I think we’ll take our lumps now and forfeit. We concede and plead for the community’s understanding and mercy at our decision to throw in the towel prior to our imminent destruction against what could only be described as Whidbey’s spelling juggernauts.

That’s the thing about the South End: it’s filled with the affluent and articulate. Master’s degrees and PhDs are about as common as blackberries around here, and we know when we’re out matched.

Fortunately, South Whidbey is also a community of great understanding and compassion. Just look at all the non-profits around there. I don’t have an exact count, but word is they are numbered in the hundreds. That’s a lot of good will for one small area.

Surely The Record’s faithful and stalwart readership will once again prove why I hold it in such high regard, showing that they are as rich in mercy as they are in smarts. It’s why it’s such a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious place to live.

Go Falcons.