LETTER TO THE EDITOR | A letter to my fellow Cheap Dastards
August 8, 2009 · Updated 1:01 PM
To the editor:
Dear Fellow Cheap Dastards:
(Dastards rhymes with the word I want to use, but this is a family newspaper).
I come from a very long line of Cheap Dastards (CDs) and we squeeze our money tighter than rolled socks. I have had verbal Cheap Dastard-offs with my fellow CDs, just to find out creative and secret ways to NOT spend money. Oak Harbor has its share of cheap dastards, as do other areas of Whidbey Island.
But Cheap Dastards have been infiltrated in the past 10 years by the Eyman Syndrome. When a Cheap Dastard comes down with this nasty virus, his or her pecuniary tendencies become narrow and exhibit a strong symptom called, "mean streak."
Flying the righteous banner of "It's My Money and I'm not giving You Any of It," these sick individuals lose their ability to remember two key facts:
1) We, humans, are all in this game of life together, and
2) We, humans, can't take anything with us, including our money.
Cheap Dastards as a group will fight to hang on to their pennies so they can decide how to spend them or save them or donate them, in various configurations. Cheap Dastards who suffer from the Eyman Syndrome lose the ability to donate their pennies to anything that won't give them a personal return on their investment.
Recently, Whidbey Island voters passed bonds to rebuild the Coupeville High School and expand the Coupeville Library. These were examples of Cheap Dastards who didn't have Eyman Syndrome; they were "donating" money for the common good. Now we have another "common good" issue on the table for Cheap Dastard voters - the Island Transit tax increase.
Even Cheap Dastards get emotional about this one. They've seen how cheap and cost effective Island Transit is as an organization. They know how hard the dedicated staff work at their simple mission - moving people from place to place. They've noticed all the people who need help getting around, grateful for Island Transit services.
Cheap Dastards who don't have Eyman Syndrome recognize the importance of voting yes for the Transit Tax. All Cheap Dastards who have Eyman Syndrome need to go to a 12-step program that will teach them how to lose their addiction to "meanness."
As the bumper sticker says: "Mean People Suck," and I don't know any Cheap Dastards who want to be told that they suck. Even if they belong to the Oak Harbor Chamber of Commerce.