“Good morning readers!”
Or, “Good afternoon,” if you happen to be reading on the East Coast.
How was your week?
How was your month?
How have you been?
We’ve been troubled.
Troubled by what we have been reading in our local paper about our grandest Island County treasure.
Troubled because the treasure that brought our family here from Hollywood almost 25 years ago is being destroyed.
Destroyed by deceit.
If you are not interested in honesty, being serious for a minute or are new to this capitalized Island, please do not read any further.
This column could be liminal to your consciousness.
Yes, this column could even be subliminal to your subconsciousness.
And yes, if nothing else, if you as a community decide as such, this column could be our last column.
This is not a threat, a joke or a promise.
It is up to you.
We need your help because we are not sure what to do.
We are confused, as if we were reading the front page of this paper, when it refers to the F word.
Shall we dare spell it?
All together now, with enthusiasm and eight decades of community, let’s do it!
Give me an F!
Give me an A!
Give me an I!
Give me an R!
What do we get?
You say it, we can’t.
We can’t say the F word in our house, and haven’t been able to for several years.
But lately, and for several months, the F word has been all over our local paper’s front page.
Is this the right thing?
The right to freedom of speech and freedom of the press may have gone too far of late when it comes to the truthful and rumored goings on at the Island County Fair.
Truth: The Island County Fair is a community treasure.
Truth: The Island County Fair is an unconditional gift from our forefathers and foremothers, not a conditional gift from three county commissioners who continue to hide behind a veil of ambiguity.
Truth: Our county commissioners, our trusted officials, have become custodians of ambiguity, hoodwinked in their own hood.
Excuse me, but is anyone of us really buying these self-serving front-page excuses?
From what we understand, it is the tri-fold mission of this hard working personneled paper to tell the truth, report the news, and more times than not, spell our names correctly.
From what we understand, it has been the 80-plus year mission of the Island County You-Say-the-Word-Here that our community be educated and informed by that which was prepared, produced and presented by our community leaders, God bless their roles.
Hello forefathers and foremothers.
Who is leading whom?
And where are we being led?
How many un-hidden agendas can there be?
Shall we just go ahead and say the word that most of us are feeling?
Shall we just go ahead and use the word that we might never see on this paper’s front page?
Here we go.
Here the word comes and keeps on coming.
Let us spell this word that we feel, see, and hear.
Let us spell this word that we can taste and touch, but cannot use in print.
Let us spell this fungus among us, knowing that the persons involved know who they are, just as we do.
Give me a D.
Give me an E.
Give me a C.
Give me another E.
Give me an I.
Give me a T.
What do you get?
The F word.
Where have all the volunteers gone?
Where are Eva Mae Gabelein’s well-mentored, longtime veterans Ruth Bob Turner, Pat Tompkins, and Nan Gildersleeve who worked tirelessly, thanklessly and without compensation, providing excellent family entertainment for the last fifteen years?
Where are the Eastern Star, the Masons and the Kiwanis Bar-B-Que?
Where are the ticket takers and the deviled egg makers?
Where have all the smiles gone?
What’s going on around here?
What’s going off?
Where is the Barnyard Scramble, the Greased Pig Contest, the Sheep Scramble, The Calf Scramble, the Wild Cow Milking and the Greased Pole Climb?
Where in the $%^& are the mini-donuts?
Our Fair needs Emergency CPR!
Community Preservation Rescue.
County Priorities Revealed.
Commissioner Perceptions Reconsidered.
How can so many of us be able to see the forest while we continue to live in the trees?
Therefore, heretowit, nevertheless, moreover, be it hereby revealed for the very first and possibly last time, because my columnist contract with The South Whidbey Record expired Feb. 24, 2007, and heretofore whocares towit, my Conductor of Fun contract expired Jan. 15 with the Island County F-word, and furthermore moreover, because of the continuous mis-presentations of the self-designated arm chair quarterbacks that run the F-word without any authority or decency, hereitbe resolved, that we, in our own cul-de-sac known as Frankie Laine, will boy, girl and adultcott any alleged mis-presentation known as the Island County F-Word until our beloved, respected and caring Community of Island County discovers and resolves the truth of the following:
1. Who is in charge of the F-word?
The county commissioners or a non-employed, no-contract signed, at-will hire, self-designated Fair Agitator?
2. Who counts the F-word’s county money from the sales of tickets without any supervision?
Omar the Tent Maker or We Are Gullible?
3. Who opens the F-word mail and counts and deposits cash after signing the self-prepared checks?
Wee B. Prosperous or Who B. Lookin?
4.Who prepares and recommends the budgets, the non-budgets and all the correspondence issued to and xeroxed for the misguided F-word’s non-county guiders?
Weave Ben Taken or H&R Blockhead?
5. Who accused two board members of financial inconsistencies, leading to their questionable dismissals? Why Chek Sorces or Ben Thare Dunthat?
Finally, Moms and Dads and boys and girls, which local newspaper has been conned by the local pros of our cons?
Have we done right by absenting ourselves from the future of our community treasure?
Have we done right by breaching our promise to Eva Mae Gabelein to never leave the F-word unguarded?
What shall we do, Community?
We’ve left the F-word because of Frustration and Deceit.
Shall we also leave this paper for dutifully and conscientiously reporting it?