If you were wondering where my column has been, well, it hasn’t been anywhere.
It is here.
Thanks to those of you who have caught up with me.
Ever heard of a monthly columnist?
Well, neither have I, but now I are one.
As my creditors have taught me, once a month surely beats nonce-a-month.
Ever play rock, paper, scissors?
When I was a kid, one of our major pleasures was the game that we all took with us no matter where we went.
Rock, scissors, paper.
I was reminded of rock, scissors, paper the other day while sipping an ice-cold bottle of Session Premium Lager Beer, brewed and bottled gently down the stream in Hood River, Ore.
When one twists open an 11-ounce bottle of Session, the underside of the bottle cap reveals a fine-line art image of a rock, scissors or paper.
To have played this portable kid’s game with beer bottle caps instead of hands might have brought us into the principal’s office for a lunch time lecture.
As a youth, one is unable to interpret the metaphors and similes of life.
Now that I am older and, at least on paper, a senior citizen, I can really appreciate Shakespeare’s metaphors, Whitman’s similes and the off-color humor of Redd Foxx that made no sense to me while playing four-square at recess.
After the third session of Sessions, our adult players had collected enough bottle caps for an adult version of rock, scissors, paper.
Then it hit me.
This game, learned while a tender adolescent in the corn fields of Ohio, was actually a lesson for life.
Rock crushes scissors.
That must mean good over evil.
Scissors cut paper.
That must mean watch your sarcasm.
Paper covers rock.
That means you are upside down.
So, in looking at life through rock, scissors, paper, what do we know?
We know that we live on the Rock.
We know that Rock Hudson was named after a river.
We know that Edward Scissorhands never would have made the cut with Rock Hudson.
We know that we prefer paper over plastic if we are making popcorn in the microwave.
What else do we know that we have learned from this classic exercise in mind over matters?
We know that the World Rock Paper Scissors Society (WRPS) standardized a set of rules for international play to keep us honest on our porches as well as in our own back yards.
We know that the USA Rock Paper Scissors League (USARPS) holds annual competitions in Las Vegas with first-prize money of $50,000.
We know that 50K is a pretty good fee for winning a kid’s game.
We know that the Inaugural Budweiser International Rock Paper Scissors Federation Championship was held in Beijing, China after the close of the last Summer Olympics.
We know that a man with big fists from Belfast won.
Wonder if he was Hans Solo?