ALL ABOARD | Coping with the recession without depression

Lately, life seems to be series of forced adjustments.

Several of us have portfolios that have burst starboard.

Many of us have savings accounts that have turned to credit cards.

A few of us have kept smiles on our faces.

Maybe it’s the language barrier.

As a retired political science major, I know that a recession has to do with a hairline fracture in the economic version of the San Andreas Fault.

I also know that a depression can be lingering, unaffected by pharmaceutical modifications.

With the premise that our eyes have wandered from the straight road to the crooked road, I offer these benefits of today’s recession:

First and foremost, our property tax assessment is up only 10 percent this year, not 45 percent like the last several years.

Secondly, our tithing expenditures have been reduced.

Not that we mind giving money to others, but it is unusually comforting to know that Dad is still correct — 10 percent of nothing is still nothing.

Thirdly, our recent profit/loss setbacks have assured me that it will be darn difficult for my girlfriend to leave me for a guy with more money.

How much is in your wallet right now?

For me, the most shocking realization in this new economy is the speed by which our much maligned USPS postal people are speeding up the mail.

Last Monday I received a postcard mailed the previous Friday afternoon from Naples, Fla.

In the olden days, as my sister might say, a postcard from Florida to Washington would arrive about a week after our baggage.

When I traveled a lot, I used to spend a lot of time and money mailing myself postcards to see how I was doing before I was mailed back.

Of course, I was on an expense account at the time and postage was included.

Many of us beer drinkers are exceptionally enthused during this brief recession that a six pack of beer still costs more than a gallon of gasoline. As Anthony Newley wrote and sang in song, “What kind of fuel am I?”

Speaking of Anthony, I saw an ad on the TV about 2:30 in the morning hawking Tony Robbins’ latest cure-all, for-all, almost free-for-all.

For only $14.95 plus shipping and handling, I can get more than $600 worth of motivational tapes, DVDs, phone counseling and, if I act now, a nude photo of Tony Robbins’ dog.

Startled and overwhelmed by the pending opportunity, I called the Tony Robbins 800 line immediately.

“Is this on the level? Can I get all this stuff for $14.95?”

“Sir, if you act now, your one-time cost is only $14.95, plus shipping and handling of $14.95, plus a $99 monthly fee charged just three times on the credit card information I can take from you right now.

“Can you please tell me the last three digits on the back side of your card?”

Another nice thing about the recession — I don’t need Tony Robbins now, either.

More in Life

Photo by Theresa Farage
A photographer captured the Northern Lights over North Whidbey Tuesday night. Theresa Farage went to Dugualla Bay Heights Road looking toward La Conner armed with her Nikon D5200 camera and iPhone 12 Pro Max.
Northern Lights over Whidbey

The dazzling northern lights appeared in the skies across the state this week.

Rob Schouten's "Skyfall" oil painting is inspired by the San Juan Islands.
His etchings and paintings explore the mysteries of nature

You can Rob Schouten’s aquatint etchings and oil paintings at his gallery and art garden in Langley.

Photo by Karina Andrew/Whidbey News-Times
Will Hawkins and Dawn Smith officially took ownership of Rainshadow Nursery on Oct. 1.
Rainshadow Nursery welcomes new owners

Dawn Smith and Will Hawkins of Greenbank officially took ownership of Rainshadow Nursery on Oct. 1.

Penn Cove employees serve customers during the brewery’s grand opening celebration of its new location in Freeland over Memorial Day weekend. (Tyler Rowe / Cold Pizza Creative)
Drink This: Penn Cove opens its 3rd taproom on Whidbey Island

Brothers Marc and Mitch Aparicio opened a new Freeland taproom at The Barn over Memorial Day weekend.

pumpkins
Halloween happens on Whidbey

Spooky season is back in swing and there are plenty of events that promise a ghoulishly good time.

See caption
NBA star Isaiah Thomas travels to South Whidbey

South Whidbey teenager Jacob Ng recently got to live out a hoop dream.

Gabrielle Robles at Sunnyside Cemetery in a block house.
Coupeville woman offers haunted history tour

Gabrielle Robles is taking guests on a Haunted History Tour of Whidbey Island on Oct. 29 and 30.

Audubon is holding birding class for beginners Oct. 19

Master birder Whitney Neufeld-Kaiser will be teaching the online Zoom class 7-8:30 p.m. Oct. 19.

See caption
Mr. South Whidbey reigns once again

After a two-year reign, a new king was crowned in the male pageant world of Whidbey Island.

Most Read