Like millions of other folks, I read my horoscope in the newspaper every morning. Not that I believe it or put all that much stock in it — but checking my sign is frivolous and fun and part of my regular ritual. Mostly it’s a bunch of bunk.

Take my horoscope for Saturday, Jan. 5. 2002, compliments of longtime astrologer Sydney Omarr, a syndicated columnist with Tribune Media Services:

“AQUARIUS – You gain admirers, and some envious people accuse you of having a cult following. Artistic tendencies surface; you could paint and write poetry. Gemini plays role.”

The only new admirer I could think of was the woman I talked to at Horizon Airlines about a bag they lost on a flight from Spokane to Seattle earlier in the day. I didn’t yell at her, I talked to her…but I don’t think she’s going to start a fan club because of it. (The wayward bag did arrive on my doorstep 24 hours later, so maybe the gentle approach works). As far as artistic tendencies that day? I worked part of a crossword puzzle and made a grocery list — not exactly the stuff of paintings and poetry. And to the best of my knowledge, there was nary a Gemini in sight (I didn’t ask the Horizon employee her sign).

So what would the New Year be without some amateur astrological forecasting by Frau Frause? Here are the signs of the zodiac, South Whidbey style. And here’s to a fun and funny 2002!

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Even though you started that high protein diet last week, you’re dying to inhale one of those Krispy Kremes they’re giving away at Island Espresso in Clinton on Mondays and Tuesdays. Take charge of your life; avoid the temptation of delirious doughnut downing by having somebody hide your car keys on those dreaded d-days.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Decisions need to be made concerning how you wish to live your life: as a Hometown Hero or a Hometown Zero. So far, the zero seems to be taking over, so get with the program! Sign up for Hearts and Hammers or donate your time at the South Whidbey Youth Center.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your popularity is on the rise. Not only did you shine at China City’s karaoke gigs this past year; there’s a good chance you may be asked to perform at the Island County Fair. Resist the urge to get an agent. Remember: Big Fish, Little Pond.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): This will be the year you pay your Whidbey Telephone bill prior to receiving the dreaded “Notice of Disconnect.” To celebrate, do a drive-by on the last day of the month and honk and wave at the long line of late payers at Whidbey Tel’s worldwide headquarters on 525.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Delve deep into those closets; it’s time to toss those clothes in five different sizes. Donate them to Good Cheer, Senior Thrift Shop or WAIF’s thrift store. Then put on that bathing suit, take a photo and put it on the fridge. Next time you reach for that Bud Light, go to the gym instead.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Emphasis on weekly instead of twice-daily grocery shopping; writing letters to the editor about the never ending four-period day at SWHS; and solving your marital problems by watching Dr. Phil on Oprah. Flirtation lends spice.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Decision reached concerning two important areas of your life: where to get your morning single tall nonfat latte and where to sit at The Clyde. Join a bowling league at Freeland Lanes and sign up for contra dancing at Bayview Hall. Diversity lends spice.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Keep your observation skills keen by counting the number of vehicles gassing up at the newly opened Shell mega-station in Freeland. This should only take one hand, allowing you to drive with the other. Patronize the cool new public composting toilet at Bayview Corner.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Financial burden will be relieved when you hold weekly garage sales and make close to a grand a month. Be up-to-date on hair and makeup trends; you could be interviewed/photographed for The Record’s “Street Talk.”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When it’s time for “goin’ over town,” don’t be miffed if the vehicle that arrived after you makes the boat and you don’t. Hop out of your rig; give that ferry worker who chose the other driver over you a big hug; and smile as you walk away. Ain’t life grand?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb.18): I bet you didn’t know that the musical “HAIR” was coming to Seattle this year. It will be on stage at The 5th Avenue Theatre April 9-21, so if you missed it back in the ’60s, rock on! “Good Morning Sunshine,” “Let the Sun Shine In” and “Aquarius” will sound oh, so good again.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Those PC holidays are just around the corner, so stock up on presents now. And what better time to re-gift? It may not be all that great for the economy, but it will ease the burden of all that clutter in your house. Got gifts?

Sue Frause can be reached by e-mail at skfrause@whidbey.com.