“In the wake of I-695, Washington State needs to save money. For anyone who has attended a series of meetings in Clinton over the past year one money-saving idea is obvious. Instead of sending real people to South Whidbey, the state should buy some dummies and send them instead. Whether the subject is ferry dock improvements, ferry road access improvements, highway signage improvement, a highway traffic light, moving the ferry ticket booths, buying property, or any of a dozen other ideas, the one thing all proposals made by island residents have in common is that they’ve been ignored by state officials. Islanders are accustomed to being ignored, but it seems such a waste to send real people here to do the ignoring. Whether from State Ferries or the Department of Transportation, those people cost money. They don’t attend these meetings because they love islanders. They’re getting travel play, possibly overtime, definitely a hefty hourly wage compared to island salaries. And all they have to do is keep from dozing off and mumble an occasional phrase. Instead of real people, the state needs person-sized dummies they can dress up in ferry uniforms or brown suits and prop on a chair at the head table at the Clinton Progressive Club. Spread a big plastic smile across their faces and they’ll do a good job pretending that the state cares about the views of islanders. Islanders aren’t stupid – they’re not going to fall for some speechless dummy appearing before them. So, like Chatty Kathy, the state dummies should be able to speak a few phrases. They don’t need strings, however. Some phrases are suitable for all occasions, as the following dialogue points out. Concerned islander: If you don’t put a stop light at the Deer Lake Road intersection, somebody’s going to get killed. State dummy: IWe’ll look into that. Concerned islander: IYou’ve got islanders turning right from the inside line, across a lane filled with loony tourists desperate to catch the ferry. Are you crazy? State dummy: ISome adjustments are possible. Concerned islanders: IWhat adjustments? State dummy: I We’ll look into that. Concerned islander: IWe sent you a dozen recommendations a year ago and you haven’t done anything in all that time. And now you act like you’ve never heard of any of them. State dummy:I Our goal is to work closely with the community. Concerned islander: IBut you haven’t done anything! State dummy: IWe’ll look into that. As we can see, three simple phrases, We’ll look into that, Our goal is to work closely with the community, and Some adjustments are possible, will carry the state dummy through any imaginable meeting with the public. Any of the three answers are suitable for any question, so it doesn’t matter which one the dummy’s voice mechanism offers up. The dummies will work so well that eventually they will represent state officials at all meetings throughout Washington. Where will the dummies come from? Well, there will be plenty available if the State Legislature ever adjourns. “