MONKEY THINK, MONKEY WRITE: Maybe I can get my facts ‘right’ enough for Fox News

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of the news business, and despite the best of intentions, we get sometimes get a detail wrong in a news story and must endure days of ringing telephones from the people who want to celebrate our achievement with us.

Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of the news business, and despite the best of intentions, we get sometimes get a detail wrong in a news story and must endure days of ringing telephones from the people who want to celebrate our achievement with us.

For the reporter and editor involved, it usually means a few days of humiliation followed by a weekend recuperating from the embarrassment with a cold six pack of Pabst, which, ironically, can sometimes lead to a few more days of humiliation, embarrassment and recuperation.

That’s why I was so excited to learn of a new job possibility.

I just discovered that the Fox News Channel, back in New York City, is looking to hire a “fact writer” for its news program.

I’m not sure, but I think it’s a new position.

According to the job description, the successful candidate will possess a strong interest in the news, be well-informed about current events, and pay close attention to spelling, grammar and syntax.

Despite the spelling and grammar part, I think I’m a perfect candidate for the job.

First and foremost, I have never been a big fan of syntaxes, so I pay close attention to them.

I am a strong opponent of adding government taxes to cigarettes, gambling and six packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, so any time that someone brings up the topic of syntaxes, I can truthfully tell my future co-workers at Fox News that the subject will have my undivided attention.

I’ve also heard a lot of debate about abolishing “S-state” taxes.

Personally, I don’t mind

“S-state” taxes. If I lived in South Carolina or South Dakota, however, it might be a different story.

The job description also says a fast writer is needed.

Advantage: Monkey. It should be noted that I can usually address an envelope in less than five minutes, not including the time it takes to affix a stamp. Writing something on a greeting card usually takes less then

10 minutes, unless a bunch of people have signed it already and I have to print really, really small. Now if that isn’t quick enough, well, there’s going to be a little trouble in New York City.

There are facts, of course, and then there are Fox facts. I’ve been practicing writing them, in case there’s a written test when they call me in for a job interview.

Here’s a few examples.

Fact: Baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez is getting divorced because his wife thinks he has been having an affair with pop superstar Madonna.

Fox fact: Alex Rodriguez never really wanted to go out with Madonna. But she put on that metal cone bra that she wore during the “Blonde Ambition” tour and backed him into a corner, so he had no choice. It was hook up or die.

Fact: Barack Obama is a good dancer, as everyone who saw him on the Ellen DeGeneres show knows.

Fox fact: Barack Obama is a good dancer because he is shuffling to the middle to attract moderate swing voters.

Fact: The robotic presidents at Disneyland have smoother moves than John McCain.

Fox fact: Americans don’t want a president who can dance, anyway. Remember all the laughter when Pres. Bush busted a move with those musicians who were visiting from Africa?

Now, let’s try it the other way.

Fox fact: America has untapped energy sources easily within reach here at home that can provide safe, reliable power.

Fact: Those untapped energy sources include the flashlight in the basement, the camping stove in the garage, and that really big rubber band in the junk drawer.

Next time: Dollar Johnny.

More in Opinion

In Our Opinion: No matter the nuisance, accessibility to public records is vital

The Public Records Act is based on the concept that the government should be transparent.

Doctor
Sound Off: The sooner we’re vaccinated, the sooner we’ll be back to normal

We all wish COVID-19 was over, don’t you? Eighteen months into this… Continue reading

Dave Paul
Sound Off: Local law enforcement needs continued investments

In my three years in office, I’ve spent a lot of time… Continue reading

In Our Opinion: Servers need higher wages, even if it means $10 shakes

Workers simply need a livable wage, not just a living wage.

In Our Opinion: Unvaccinated need to take responsibility for their choices

The pandemic in America would be over if everyone had gotten vaccinated.… Continue reading

Rockin’ a Hard Place: An irresistible urge to emerge takes hold, on and off the Rock

One of the benefits of this urge for me was recalling what I miss about our Rock while far from it.

In Our Opinion: With tourism at all-time high, change in investment needed

More money could be spent on long-term, concrete investments related to tourism.

In Our Opinion: Meetings should be recorded, posted online even after COVID

One of the few silver linings of the pandemic has been the… Continue reading

In Our Opinion: Barriers to prevent bridge suicides worth considering

Two suicides at Deception Pass Bridge in July have reignited a community… Continue reading

In Our Opinion: Island County’s pandemic bonuses are a smart idea, if legal

The latest federal stimulus plan, the American Rescue Plan Act of 2021,… Continue reading

In Our Opinion: Welcome back, Whidbey Island Fair, how we missed ya

After a year marked by fear, divisiveness and distancing, attending the Whidbey… Continue reading

My garden.
On the Rock, we walk, wander and garden while the sun shines

During sunshine, we are outdoors walking our trails, wandering our beaches and tending our gardens.