CADA helps people overcome domestic violence
Published 5:00 am Wednesday, October 23, 2002
Most of us wish to look the other way. To believe the bruised face is indeed the result of a fall, or a door in the way. To believe the woman with long sleeves or sunglasses is merely dressing for the weather.
The people at CADA, Island County’s domestic violence agency, who want us to look more closely at the abuse — manifested physically as well as hidden emotionally and psychologically — that makes victims of people in our community.
Citizens Against Domestic and Sexual Abuse has been taking part in October’s national Domestic Violence Abuse Awareness Month by planning lectures and seminars, including a “Night of Peace” to break the silence about domestic violence and awaken people to the reality of the crime of abuse.
That awareness is crucial, says Gloria Moore, CADA’s program coordinator at Rosewood Women’s Resource Center on South Whidbey and counselor to clients who come to CADA for help with abuse issues.
Initially a women’s shelter, Rosewood was converted into a South Whidbey advocacy agency five years ago when the shelter was moved to a more central island location.
“Sometimes people — yes, mostly women, but sometimes men — come in with a very clear awareness of what’s happening to them. They know when they walk through the door that they are victims.”
They are often the women bruised with black eyes and broken bones or suffering from the hidden wrenched arms and kidney punches. “Men who abuse know how to physically abuse without leaving a mark,” said one advocate.
But there are others who bear the scars of psychological and emotional abuse.
Abusers use this “invisible violence” by calling someone stupid and uneducated, said another advocate, “all the while threatening that if the woman goes to court, she’ll lose her kids.”
“It’s abuse when someone calls you an idiot day after day and wants to know where you’ve been and why you’re late and ‘Where’s my dinner?’ ”
These women may call or come to CADA for information, for options, or just to talk.
These are the women who ask, “Am I a victim?” Moore said.
“They might call the crisis line, or maybe they are referred by a friend,” Moore said. “They’ll tell me their friend says they need help, that something is wrong.”
The clients realize their friend is right, but need someone to talk to about it, to confirm it or not, and to help them forward.
“It’s what I call ‘crazy-making.’ They are hurting inside but they don’t know why,” Moore said. “They may need help cracking through the denial. We won’t scare them, but we will tell them what they can do.”
When the women contact CADA, there is a trained advocate to talk to them. She can offer advice and refer clients to other agencies. But she also can evaluate the urgency of the situation.
Often the client needs immediate support, Moore said. She may be a woman who doesn’t work outside the home, who doesn’t know how to get protection.
“She worries about housing or how to feed the kids,” Moore said.
CADA first goes through a safety plan with the client and assesses the immediate danger. The woman may need to go a safe location. There is a shelter here on the island, but often it’s considered best for her to go off-island.
“We can facilitate her getting off the island with her kids, and we collaborate with shelters all over the area,” Moore said. “There is a strong network.”
If legal action is necessary, CADA helps clients through the system, filling out forms with them, advising them what to expect in court.
“We don’t give legal advice,” she said. “We offer education and information.”
CADA will provide the paperwork for clients who seek protection or anti-harassment orders and will help them complete the forms. Advocates will advise them how to dress for a court appearance and when to respond. At the time of the court hearing, CADA has advocates who will sit with them at the courthouse.
“There is also a volunteer court watch of people who watch to see how cases are going and what the trends are,” Moore said.
CADA also has a small stock of commodities and other products if clients need them. It includes canned goods, shampoo, and paper products.
The clients themselves, she said, run the gamut of age and longevity in relationships. Many are young, but others are not.
“Some have been together with a man for years — even 50 years,” she said.
Molly Petersons, an advocate in CADA’s vulnerable adults program, sees the same kind of issue at all ages, although often it is more subtle.
“It’s easy to isolate an older person or someone with a disability,” Petersons said. “The abuser can disable a wheelchair, put the walker out of reach, hide hearing aids. Violence is not always violent, but it is always a violation. No one has to live like that.”
Petersons visits senior centers, public health agencies and other groups to remind them of CADA’s services.
“The number of reports of elder abuse is going up. A public health professional might not have made that call before.”
The aftermath of the crisis for the abused woman, and CADA’s part in it, becomes a long recovery process. CADA offers both individual counseling and support groups.
“The victim can often feel she’s alone in what she’s experienced,” Moore said. “She’ll come to the support group and for the first time see everyone else nodding in agreement. It’s a flood of relief for her. She knows she’s not alone, and not to blame.”
That feeling of blame is a major block to healing, Moore said. Denial of what has been happening to her and a sense of guilt at not being good enough are giant obstacles for an abused woman to overcome.
“Denial on the part of men is huge, too,” she said. “They don’t think they can hurt someone they love. But often they don’t have the tools to stop their behavior.”
Moore is convinced that it is vital to change the way men behave and their perceptions of abuse.
“Other men need to call them on what they see,” she said. “There needs to be peer pressure that this is not acceptable behavior. Real men don’t hurt people they love.”
Men are, in fact, now becoming more involved in the issue, she said. They are helping in adolescent training, trying to prevent the dehumanization of women that turns them into objects to be used and controlled.
All of it comes down to awareness, Moore said, at all levels and ages.
“The problem of domestic abuse is that it happens in the home,” she said. The more it is brought to public awareness, the faster it will become unacceptable. And it is happening.
“There is rarely a day we don’t get any calls,” Moore said. “People are calling to get information. They know we’re here.”
While Rosewood is no longer a shelter but rather an advocacy agency, it does have space for women in transition who do not qualify for shelter assistance. There are comfortable rooms, a kitchen, books and games, even an exercise room. And there are quilts on the walls and the sofas, most donated by Quilters on the Rock during the past few years.
Many of the quilts aren’t there anymore. They’ve been given to clients, who used them on their road to recovery.
