Valentine’s Day “sonnets” for the humor-deprived

Top of the morning, mates. Or, if you are Down Under, where “mate” is more commonly used, bottom of the morning. Please enjoy this Valentine’s remembrance shared with me by my family in honor of our beloved parents.

  • Saturday, February 10, 2007 8:00am
  • Opinion

Top of the morning, mates.

Or, if you are Down Under, where “mate” is more commonly used, bottom of the morning.

Please enjoy this Valentine’s remembrance shared with me by my family in honor of our beloved parents.

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to. He thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, the husband called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him that there was a simple, informal test that the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about his wife’s hearing loss.

“Here’s what you do,” said the doctor.

“Stand about 40 feet away from her. In your normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on, until you get a response.”

That evening, wife Andy is in the kitchen cooking dinner, while husband Jack is in the den.

Ever the problem solver, Jack says quietly to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away. Let’s see what happens.”

In his normal tone, Jack asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response.

So, husband Jack moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife Andy, and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no response.

Next Jack moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again, no response.

Abruptly, husband Jack walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again, there is no response.

Lovingly, and with compassion, Jack walks right up behind her. “Precious, what’s for dinner?”

“Jack, for the fifth time, it’s chicken!”

Do you have time for another Valentine’s Day reminiscence?

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says to the male driver, also named Jack, “Sir, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour. Do you have an explanation?”

“Why, yes, officer, I do. I had my car on cruise control at 60 miles per hour. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Without looking up from her knitting, Jack’s wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control, and if it did, you wouldn’t know how to use it anyway.”

As the police officer writes out the speeding ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

Finally, in honor of Lake Wobegon mothers everywhere, we offer this mother’s letter to her son.

“I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the new address because the last Minnesota family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week. The first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send. Your Uncle Sven said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Ole locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Torvo fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. He burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ole was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down!

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.”

Your Favorite Aunt

Happy Valentine’s Day, one and all.

Hug someone you love, or better yet, hug someone you’d like to slug and shock ’em.