EDITOR’S COLUMN | Beware Washington’s signature green goop

Question: What’s slipperier, the slime/mold that so loves to cake decks on Whidbey Island or the thick frost/ice that coats them following the season’s first freeze?

I found myself pondering this little mystery early Tuesday morning. My decks were of course slick from evening temperatures that dipped into the low 30s, and their navigation — a necessity being they are the path to the cars — requires considerable care. But does it stack up to the Northwest’s signature green goop, the slime that seems to cover the region?

The conclusion I’ve come to is “no,” not even close. Frost, ice, indeed glaciers pale in comparison to the slime. Invincible, invisible (at night) and incredibly slick, it’s a true hazard and almost certainly the leading cause of death in Washington.

In fact, it should probably be weaponized. While leaders like Rep. Norma Smith, R-Clinton, have worked on things like the Joint Center for Deployment and Research in Earth Abundant Materials, which strives to make Washington a leader in the development and commercialization of next-generation clean energy and transportation technologies, we’ve been missing the train when it comes to tapping this vast and in-plain-sight resource.

Just imagine what a few missiles armed with Northwest mold could do to ISIS. With strongholds in arid countries like Iraq and Syria, the organization would be utterly unprepared to deal with such a threat. Fighters struggling just to stay upright would instantly throw up their hands in defeat and the international community would celebrate Washington as the hero that supplied the instrument that finally brought terrorism to its knees.

It could work. For one, you know the slime would survive no matter how hot the climate. It may dry out, but a quick sprinkle of water by a passing jet is all that’s required to bring it back to life. It’d probably be slipperier than ever. Like a fine wine, it seems to only gets better with age.

It’s also practically indestructible. I can personally attest to that, having just spent a tortuous Saturday cleaning both my decks with a power washer. It worked, but it took hours.

If not a weapon of mass destruction, at the very least it could be used as a handy burglary deterrent being strategically positioned at the foot of bedroom or garage windows.

All I know is that I’m glad my decks are blessedly free of mold, at least for the next couple of weeks, and that all I have to worry about is a little frost.

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