The other day I received an e-mail from a friend of mine suggesting that I take a free online test which would help determine the quality of my behavior.
Never being comfortable violating intentionally one of Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Basic Agreements, I did not take my friend’s suggestion personally, although I did call an 800 prayer line before taking the exam.
The on-line questionnaire was not unlike the tests that our 1950s and ’60s high school guidance counselors administered.
You know the ones.
The questions about whether you would prefer roller skating to sewing or cliff climbing.
Or maybe whether you were afraid to eat snow cones on a hot day, or feel the challenge of a pugil-stick contest in your cul-de-sac.
After completing the
40 questions, I hit the send button, thereby authorizing, upon receipt of said responses, the professors, counselors and wizards of wiseness at Amen Clinics to evaluate my present and recommend my future.
The only good news was that my answers indicated a Good Mood at the time of the test and that I “don’t struggle excessively with a poor mood.”
Could that have been caused by my decision not to watch the Mariners on TV again until there are designer sewers in Freeland?
Not only do my test results indicate that I have trouble with stress and anxiety, it is “highly probable” that “flexible thinking” is a problem if I “get a thought in my head more than three times.”
There goes ever finding my car keys again.
According to Dr. Amen of the Amen Clinics, there are Nutraceutical Solutions available which, for a reasonable charge, will provide me an opportunity to eradicate these moments of stress through the “Kill the ANTS Yoga and Stretching Exercises.”
ANTS is an acronym for Automatic Negative Thoughts Syndrome.
I can only imagine the accompanying instructional video.
While my scores indicate good sleep habits and no memory concerns, it is once again “highly probable” that Cravings with a Capital C are a problem.
Dr. Amen suggests that I eat four to five small meals per day, as well as eliminating most of the simple sugars in my diet such as sugar, bread, pasta, potatoes and rice.
Of course, last night’s dinner of Franco-American spaghetti, Wonder Bread, French fries and Uncle Ben’s converted rice certainly had no effect on my desire to dessert with hot chocolate and a Heath bar.
Page two of the test results evidences a possible seasonal mood disorder.
Didn’t we already mention Mariner baseball?
My next two evaluations state “Healthy Brain Habits” and that “You may have bipolar disorder.”
The red star by this analysis indicated that I must “make sure to have a thorough evaluation before considering supplements.”
Would vodka be a supplement?
While I “do not use blood thinners” or “struggle with weight issues,” Dr. Amen did offer his congratulations and, in closing, stated that of the five brain types of “Overeaters,” in my case, “No Specific Brain Type Was Clearly Identified.”
I wonder if I can exchange that birthday gift certificate my sister gave me for a CAT scan.
Jim Freeman can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.