Quick!

Look!

There’s a slug crawling on your slice of pizza!

What do you mean you don’t eat pizza in the morning?

OK, so you know it is April Fool’s Day, but do you know why?

According to my desk reference — “Do You Know What Day Tomorrow Is? A Teacher’s Almanac” by Lee Bennett Hopkins and Misha Arenstein,” April Fool’s Day originated in France. Prior to the adoption of the Gregorian Calendar in the late 16th century, the vernal equinox and the New Year occurred concurrently around April 1. This was a time of festivity and gift exchanging. After the adoption of the new calendar, people far removed from the centers of civilization continued the old practice of celebrating and gift giving. Because of their error, they were ridiculed. In time this changed to April Fool practical joking.”

Why not go back to gift giving and celebrating on this date? What have we got to lose but a few twisted friends who would rather unsettle us than appreciate?

Speaking of appreciation, how about Shakespeare’s words from “The Merry Wives of Windsor” to begin our April; “He capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he smells April and May.”

I smell baseball season. Finally

I have a reason to enjoy my satellite dish, grounded by the sight and sound of groundballs. Something to take my mind off the front page of this or any other newspaper. Too much bad news may sell more coffee, but it does not do much for community spirit.

So, let us attention deficit

syndromers drown our short-term attention to some more uplifting and less downtrodden discussions.

Speaking of front pages of newspapers, who took my copy of today’s South Whidbey Record? Is it the same person that leaves crushed beer cans in my South Whidbey Record delivery box?

After two weeks of emptying daily one or two crushed beer cans from the box, I decided to block the opening with a 12 ounce empty coffee cup, white, with the following text: No more empty beer cans! Full only!

Two days later I noticed a filled chilled 12 ounce can of Coors Light greeting the opening of my South Whidbey Record green colored delivery box. The Silver Bullet had finally arrived at the Loose Caboose.

So, like any good litterbug policeman, I took the cold beer and replaced the box opening with another white 12 ounce paper cup for coffee, showing the following new text: Thanks, but Coors is not beer.

The next morning, marked at the base of the coffee cup, underneath my previous admonition, written in bold, black Marks-A-Lot was but two words: HA-HA.

What a wonderful neighborhood. No wonder the Freeland Trails-to-Rails Committee wants an easement on my property. We can have Hike-by Drinkings! Already in March we have had two drive-by mowings. The mowers were going pretty fast. I could not tell if they were John Deeres or Massey Fergusons. But I do know, as I pointed out the other day in a clandestine meeting with Sue Frause at the Dog House, that if shampoo boy Vidal Sassoon married scriptwriter and novelist Gore Vidal, his name would be Vidal Vidal.

“Excuse me, Mr. Vidal Vidal, could we check your vital signs?”

Speaking of vital signs, someone please step forward to superintendent our local Island County Fair Parade for 2006.

Since the departure of Parade Supt. Mary Jane Donohoe years ago, Officer Herzberg and other loyal Langley police have guided our volunteers and parade walkers toward the fairgrounds despite our self-imposed chaos.

These fellows and gals need a break. Should you have any interest in stepping up and stepping out as our 2006 Island County Fair Parade leader, you will be saddled with praise and deviled eggs and possibly a T-shirt sporting our 2006 parade slogan — The Truck Stops Here.

Inquiries may be directed to me at my shortest e-mail address: fun@whidbey.com.

In the meantime, mark your calendars for Saturday evening, August 19, as our zany Canadian neighbors, The Good Time Gurus of Retro Rock ‘n’ Roll, The Timebenders, sing, dance and laugh their way through 60 years of music in four hours at the Island County Fair.

Someone please tell South Whidbey High School’s Class of 1976 to have their 30-year reunion in the Pole Building that same night. They can dance to the Timebenders while drinking a couple of kegs of O’Doul’s on the midway, courtesy of our local school board.

At midnight, we will turn all the lights on in the Arena for the South Whidbey High School Class of 1976 Alumni Scramble.

Go, Falcons, Go!!!