This morning’s coffee had an extra shot of unexpected bitterness as I was greeted by one of our highly talented but caffeinated baristas, “Your paper sucks! Your front-page article about Randy Johnson’s lawsuit was supposed to have been continued on page A16. There is no page A16! I’m going to call this morning and tell them that if they can’t get it right, don’t do it!”

OK then, on behalf of the entire dedicated South Whidbey Record underappreciated and underpaid staff, may I join with Brenda Lee when I say, “I’m sorry?”

To quote former Record Editor Jim Larsen, whose sarcasm has followed him to the editor’s job at the Whidbey-News Times in Oak Harbor, “If people want it done right, why’d they move to Whidbey?”

Good point, Editor Jim.

Therefore, to de-caf our sweet barista’s caffeinization with the May 10 issue, why not grab a pen to change A14, the last page of the first section, to A16?

Then we shall all know where we are, and, at the very least, where we are supposed to be when we turn the page, even if we are not on the same page.

While holding court regarding our local paper, let us look further at last Wednesday’s front page to see if we “suck” anywhere else.

The May 10 front page featured five stories: Hearts and Hammers, Island farming, the passing of Pete Jacobs, the aforementioned Randy Johnson paternity suit and Gayle Saran’s article on the community forum.

Are we “forum” or “aginum”?

Speaking from personal experience as a humbled, but honored two-time recipient of Hearts and Hammers life-reaffirming and life-altering emergency aid, (just ask Rachael Dalton), I must confirm most everything Breeana has shared on page one.

However, the president of Hearts and Hammers, as correctly noted in the seventh and eighth words of the front-page, top-photo caption, is Randy Hudson, not Randy Richards, as stated in paragraph five.

Nonetheless, our Breeana correctly identified Randy Hudson as Hearts and Hammers 2006 President five more times in paragraphs 10, 11, 20, 22 and 30.

Come on now!

That, dear readers, is six correct references out of 7 attempts or a whopping batting average of .857.

Go, Breeana, go!

In my opinion, which is all I have other than a stack of delinquent property tax notices, our Hearts and Hammers’ feature is an accurate portrayal of the most amazing group of volunteers I have witnessed since the Marine Corps. Ooorah!

Should you desire to hug Randy Hudson instead of Randy Johnson or Randy Richards, put your hammer down and get over to WICA tonight for The Rural Characters’ annual benefit, correctly promoted at page A8, in our May 10 issue, at the bottom of column three.

As we say in the editing room, “Things look great on page A8!”

Suckiness aside, our hearts are on and our hats are off to thank Randy Hudson, Gordy Adams, Tom Fisher and Tom Walker for all they do for WICA as “Four for Community.” This quartet of rural characters is a family fueled, folk-spun, four-pack of Hometown Heroes!

(Four asides to Randy, Gordy and Tom-Toms: Please, please play the fair this year so Marilyn and Verlane Gabelein and many others can hear your definitive version of “Tumbling Tumbleweed!” Sunday afternoon, August 20, OK? 2 p.m.? How about one of your signature always-leave-them-wanting-more-sets, right before Nashville recording artist Jonathan Harris headlines at

3 p.m.?

We can shift the Shifty Sailors. They’re flexible as well as nautical, right Gordy?

Glancing further at Wednesday’s “your paper sucks” issue, we notice the accurate reporting of editor Brian Kelly regarding the Island County Commissioners’ unanimous vote to approve new rules regarding Whidbey’s farming.

Did you notice the correct spelling of “unanimous?”

This is not easy.

We could have really sucked and spelled it, “You Nanny Muss,” “Unannymess” or even “Ewenonnymous.”

Way to go Brian!

He shoots, he spells, he scores!

Continuing with our front-page coverage of our coverage, our extremely talented Gayle Saran, whose latest issue of House and Garden ended up in my Freeland post office box, wrote another flawless article for our May 10 front page with her summary of the activities of last week’s community forum.

While reviewing Gayle’s article, I noticed no typos, misspellings or dangling modifiers. Count on Gayle, a true pro, to avoid those dangling modifiers.

I also appreciated Gayle’s classic use of the term “brainstorming session” at the bottom of column one, instead of the oft-used “lightly drizzled opinions,” while referring to the annual event and its more than one hundred participants.

As you have previously and presently perceived, our Record reporters proudly report, avoiding the editorializing oftentimes associated with editors.

Finally, my sincere appreciation to Michaela Marx-Wheatley for not only spelling her name correctly, but also for her excellent sharing of community sentiment regarding the shocking passing of Hometown Hero Pete Jacobs.

Michaela’s tribute to Pete on page one of Wednesday’s issue is without error, up until page A12, where she quotes Dan Ollis as Dan Olis. (See column three, paragraph 4 of page A12, which would have been page A14 had we actually had a page A16.)

In Michaela’s defense for using a one-l’d Olis, many of us long-time locals do consider Danny Ollis, Whidbey Coffee’s founder and grounder, chair of our fair, “One L of a Guy,” thus justifying our newspaper’s alleged sectional “suckiness.”

On behalf of the human beings that gather daily to publish twice weekly with Wednesday and Saturday musings of local doings and non-doings, we thank you kindly for reading.

Like many of you within the Puget Sound of my radius, I much prefer this sucky paper to those saturated non-suckers read on the mainland or World Wide Web.

I’ll take our sucky old South Whidbey Record any day, or at least twice a week, over the heralded New York Times, The London Times, or the less-respected, less-expensive, Toledo Blade.

Do the math.

Where else but the South Whidbey Record can I see my goofy face and witness relocation name so many sucking times?