Now that our three-day summer is over, and a three-day intermittent moisture

forecast is upon us, let’s talk about water.

W.C. Fields had one of the best lines concerning this hydrogen/oxygen compound: “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

That’s why I stopped swimming in public pools in the ‘60s.

Today we buy water in plastic bottles. The water comes from exotic sounding places we have never seen. We just trust that the springs, which birth our plastic-lined water, are as crystal-clear as the results of our next presidential election.

Speaking of elections, did former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt really say this: “I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall’?”

Next week I will be taking a red-eye flight to Washington, D.C. to meet with my sister and my brother and his extended intended for a family reunion in the hills of Virginia.

Like any retired lawyer, I have been reviewing the local laws to which I will be subjecting myself. As they say, “When in Charlottesville, do as the Charlottesvillians do.”

So I will not be going to Culpeper, Va., where you are not allowed to wash a mule on the sidewalk. How cruel for a mule!

Nor will I be taking the family to Norfolk where “spitting on a seagull is not tolerated.”

There goes the fun I wanted to share with my one-and-only, not-yet-met great-niece Willow. What is a little girl in her terrible twos supposed to do if she cannot spit on a seagull?

My nephews and I will certainly be avoiding Richmond, Virginia where it is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee. I guess we’ll just have to roll dice from one of those little leather cups.

For sure, we will be bagging any interest in going to Virginia Beach. Why spend money in a town where it is “unlawful to drive by the same place within 30 minutes on Atlantic Avenue”?

If that were the law on Main Street in Freeland, we’d be backed up to the Tartan Thistle trying to park at the Freeland Post Office.

Actually, some days it already seems that way.

The Freeman family will be enjoying Waynesboro, Va., the location for our reunion. My brother Lew picked Waynesboro because he and his observant son-in-law, Jamie knew of this law: “It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag.”

Now that’s homeland security.

This subtle statute will keep my niece Tama within the speed limit behind her red flag waving hubbie and also keep my sister Linda, a single female, from driving Main Street at all.

Should be a big week for the Main Street shoe stores.

As previously mentioned, I have yet to meet my great-niece Willow. I have seen many of her adorably cute pictures that have been sent to me on the computer. Willow’s two-dimensional presentation as a JPEG (jiggly particled e-mail graphic?) evidences a sweetness and a peacefulness that may not be apparent in her three-dimensional, audio-enhanced format.

I still do not understand why her mother thinks it is so important that I meet her 2-year old. What will a little kid get out of this?

My oldest childhood memory used to be way back when I

was 3.

But I forgot it at 5.

Why would Willow remember anything we do together unless

I frighten her?

One of my college professors said that memory was often tied to emotion. That the more emotional the moment, the greater chance one may have to remember the details.

No wonder I remember all my bad grades.

So, we all know where we were when we got the news about Presidents Kennedy, Nixon, and Reagan, but we cannot seem to find our car keys.

Maybe I’ll start humming “Ave Maria” or “In the Garden” when I put my truck keys away. I’ll be crying then, so I can remember where I left them.

When our girls were aged 5 and under, they seemed to gain much pleasure from being tickled. Unless they were sporting a new soccer injury or showcasing their skinned remains from a bicycle spill, tickling would always bring joy to our girls’ faces.

However, if I want to tickle my 2-year-plus precious great-niece, we’ll have to drive to the West Virginia line since, in Virginia, “It is illegal to tickle women.”

Could this be the collateral damage of Thomas Jefferson and Robert E. Lee chasing their hired help around the woodpile?

I’ll have to check Google for that historical sequencing and solution later.

Speaking of solutions, if you know any Island County band faves that you would like to see and hear perform during the Teen Dance from 9:30 to 11 p.m. Friday, Aug. 18, let us know. Heavy lobbying is happening now for the high-energy Pot Bellies of Oak Harbor; the youth-driven, classic rockers of South Whidbey, The Taylor Herring Band; and our free-wheelin’, free-spirited, Freeland-based, high-octane fun-seekers, Marty Winn and the Petroleum

By-Products.

Our other fun-seekers and fun-makers, The Good Time Gurus of Retro Rock N Roll, The Timebenders have agreed to be our featured headliner, at 7:30 p.m. Saturday, Aug. 19. The Island County Fair’s most requested, most appreciated family fare, The Timebenders, is back! Try to make this magic moment of family fun a priority for your summer activities.

We’ll have more info next Saturday about the fair, the Loganberry Festival, from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. July 29 and 30 at the Greenbank Farm, as well as Derek Parrot’s Aloha Party, 4 to 6 p.m., June 10 at the American Legion.

Derek’s American Legion based send-off is located conveniently across the highway, minutes and meters from the historic Bayview Hall, where, from 6 p.m. on, a spirit-filled celebration fundraiser for Victory Schouten will be enjoyed.

Join with SisterMonk Harem and a friendly hall filled with love and locals, dining and dancing, while sharing in the joy of giving.

We love you, Derek and Victory!

What a wonderful, June 10, Saturday double-feature you will be!