On Aug. 8 I whined about the fact that our household had yet to receive The Letter from the IRS alerting us that our tax rebate check was in the mail.

Well, the letter finally arrived — but not until Aug. 27. “As part of the immediate tax relief, you will be receiving a check in the amount of $600 during the week of Aug. 27, 2001.” Perfect timing. I received The Letter on Monday and hopefully The Check would arrive by week’s end.

I eagerly walked out to my mailbox every day, expecting to find 600 paper clams lying in wait. But there was no check on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday; ditto on Friday and Saturday. The following week was no better, so I scaled back my hope. Maybe if I didn’t think about it so much it would magically appear.

Nearly a month passed, and by the end of September I knew something was haywire. It was time to call the IRS. After countless recordings, I got through to Patience Ellis (real name), the Chief of Accounts Management Division II of the IRS in Denver. Ms. Ellis explained that I would have to fill out Form 3911, which she mailed to me the following week. Attached to the form was a letter, explaining the procedure:

“Your refund of $600 was/is scheduled to be mailed to you on 08/24/2001. If you haven’t received it within 2 week(s) of that date, please complete the enclosed Form 3911, Taxpayer Statement Regarding Refund, and return it to us using the enclosed envelope. The information you provide on this form will help us trace the refund check.”

I filled out Form 3911, and on Oct. 1 mailed it to the IRS in Denver. Six weeks passed, and not a peep from Patience — or anybody else.

How could I help out the economy like President Bush wanted if I hadn’t received my rebate? Something was rotten in Denver.

On Nov. 9 I called the IRS again, this time to find out the status of Form 3911 and my $600 rebate. Things weren’t quite so smooth the second time around, with nary a live person on the line. Where was Patience when I needed her? All I got were recordings, lots of recordings.

RECORDING NO. 1: “Welcome to the Internal Revenue Service. For questions about your refund, press 1. For questions about a notice, letter or bill you received or a detailed review of your account, press 2. If you have questions about who must file a return or if you have any other tax questions, press 3.”

All I want is my REBATE, OK? Out of mild frustration I pressed 2, not totally secure in my selection.

“If your notice, letter or bill concerned a missing or incorrect social security number, press 1. All other callers, press 2. To hear these options again, press 9.”

Now thoroughly confused, I pressed 9 to hear the options one more time, and selected option 2. Amazingly, I reached a live person, who informed me that I had reached the IRS REFUND department, not the IRS REBATE department. He said he would transfer me, but after several rings all I heard was a loud screeching buzz like a fax machine gone berserk. I hung up in disgust and tried another number.

RECORDING NO. 2: “Welcome to the Internal Revenue Service. If you are calling about a notice, letter or bill, press 1. If you were told to call back about a specific extension number, press 2.” (I pressed 2). “Please enter the social security number or employer number for which you are calling. If you entered a social security number, press 1 now. If you entered an employer number, press 2 now.”

I punched in 1 and entered my five-digit zip code as requested. But once again, they started yammering about refunds, not rebates. I aborted the call and tried yet another number.

RECORDING NO. 3: “Welcome to the Internal Revenue Service. For questions about your astrological forecast, press 1. For questions about the outcome of the war, press 2. For questions about your mental health, press 3.”

Well, that’s not really what it said, but this was getting ridiculous. I was determined to place my last and final call of the day.

RECORDING NO. 4: “Welcome to the Internal Revenue Service. If you are calling about a notice, letter or bill which involves earned credit income, press 1 now. For information about the 2001 rebate program, press 2 now.”

REBATE! She said REBATE! I pressed 2 and got a live person, who gave me this explanation:

LIVE PERSON NO. 1: “We received your Form 3911 on Oct. 5, 2001, and normally it takes six to 10 weeks from the date we receive it. But for some reason, it looks like we didn’t get the process started until Nov. 8, 2001. So it will take six to 10 weeks from that date to make sure it hasn’t been cashed.”

That would be sometime in January of 2002, if my calculations are correct.

Sorry, Mr. President. I tried.

Sue Frause can be reached by e-mail atskfrause@whidbey.com.