It’s been more than a month since the November General Election, and I believe I’ve finally emerged from the five stages of grief.
And in so doing, I’ve come to an epiphany. I’ve been rather tough on our president-elect. Like so many, I let all that racist, bigot, small hands stuff affect my good sense and was too quick to judge. Well, I’m past all that now. I’m a new man. In fact, he’s inspired me to make a few changes around here.
Effective immediately, the South Whidbey Record will no longer attend the regularly scheduled public meetings held by our local governments. Like our new leader, who recently announced that he will not attend daily intelligence briefings, I’ve concluded that municipal meetings are largely a waste of time. Seriously, who wants to listen to officials blather on and on about boring stuff like public safety?
Freeland, Langley, Clinton, parks and recreation, ports, Island County; you’re on your own. If it’s really that important, tweet it. Be assured that we’ll be monitoring your feeds carefully during commercial breaks of Saturday Night Live. The rest, we’ll intuit.
I’d also like to announce a few exciting new hires. Up first is Death, also known as the Grim Reaper. He’ll be covering public health. Hailing from the depths of Hell, he’s been making regular trips to Earth for eons. His manner of dress may take some getting used to — we plan to ask him to leave the scythe at home to appease South Whidbey’s snowflakes — but I’m sure everyone will agree the harvester of souls is without equal when it comes to determining what will and won’t keep us healthy.
On the earth and sciences beat, I actually don’t have a solidified candidate yet, but I’m strongly considering someone from The Flat Earth Society. This interesting online forum, while small and somewhat unknown, is a breath of fresh air. They really tell it like it is, that the world is not a “globe” and never has been. This silly sphere nonsense is one of the greatest conspiracies of all time and has gone on quite long enough. Wake up people, your eyes don’t lie — the world is flat.
Now, I realize that some of these changes and hires might make a few uneasy, but there’s always a few Francis Macombers out there. They’ll find their courage and we’ll watch them come around. Believe me. Everyone says so. It’s gonna be great.