Paris Hilton is the new Willie Horton.

Who’da thunk it?

Not me, but I don’t mind. In fact, I had actually sworn off making any more Britney Spears or Paris Hilton jokes in this column, but now John McCain has given me a complete pass for the rest of the presidential campaign by invoking the names of the young and the restless in a recent TV commercial.

McCain unveiled what’s been called his “celebrity” ad last week, where he claimed his opponent was nothing more than a celebrity who inspired hundreds of thousands with his lofty talk.

A celebrity for president? Whoever heard of such a thing? I bet Ronald Reagan is rolling over in his grave.

McCain’s TV ad featured footage of Barack Obama speaking in front of a roaring crowd in Germany during his recent overseas visit. That’s sure to help McCain’s campaign. Everyone knows that’s the last thing America needs; a leader people find inspiring.

Soon after the ad came out, Paris Hilton put out her own commercial to talk about her plan for getting America energy independent.

Hilton’s hit piece has me worried. When is Britney going to release her energy platform? How many more advisors must she consult before it is finished? How long must we wait?

More importantly, will she go nuclear?

Personally, I haven’t decided yet if I want another celebrity in the White House. I can hardly keep up with Barney as it is.

What the country needs is an unbiased mediator. Someone who can look at the facts and make a fair judgement on celebrity politicians. Gov. Schwarzenegger, will you please help America in her time of need?

McCain also scored some political points with me when he criticized Obama for suggesting our fuel crisis could be solved by people putting more air in their tires.

Just to show my support for McCain, I let about 15 pounds of air pressure out of my tires. My truck was riding so low, sparks started to fly from my rims and people started to point at me as I drove past. My only regret was that I couldn’t find my “Proud to be an American” CD, so I could blast it on the stereo as I did laps around the neighborhood.

Ask not what your country can do for you, I always say.

Next week, I’ll put my studded snow tires back on my truck to show my support for global warming. You know, we could really put a dent in global warming if everyone in the country opened the doors to their refrigerators at the same time.

Honestly, this isn’t the first time I’ve tried to do my share.

Back when President Jimmy Carter suggested that everybody put on a sweater to combat rising heating fuel prices, I put on the only sweater I owned and wore it for weeks on end.

Of course, I looked a little strange wearing a sweater that had a picture of Santa on it surrounded by smiling reindeers in the middle of March. But I didn’t mind getting pummeled during every recess in seventh grade by other kids who didn’t see the bigger picture; it was part of the sacrifice I was making for America.

Sure, some people might say I need to do more than just let a little air out of my tires.

I’m not just going to do my part to solve the energy crisis, though, and pretend that’s enough. I’m going to take a leading role in the fight against childhood obesity, starting later this week when the county fair opens.

Each corn dog I eat is a corn dog that won’t fall into the hands of an at-risk child. I will not rest until the last dog is done and my last dollar is gone. It’s part of my strategy I call the splurge.

Next issue: The Olympic Dream.