It’s good to be back to this column after my extended absence over the past week or so.

I was called away to serve our nation and handle some of the most important work facing our country, and there’s a lump in my throat from the tremendous pride I feel in a job well done. In fact, the lump is so big some people have mistaken me for John McCain.

Of course, the important work to which I refer is my part in helping “vet” a candidate for the vice presidency.

It’s big stuff, to be sure. But the vetting process also involves an intensive one-on-one interview, and at times, some uncomfortable ground is usually crossed.

This time was no different; I had to park across the street from where the interview was and walk across the street in a heavy downpour.

As I usually do, I began the interview process by putting the subject at ease. Most times, it’s small talk where I try to find things that I have in common with the subject, some shared experience to break the ice. It never fails.

“Hey, thanks a lot for meeting me today. Wow, that’s some storm going on out there. Wish I would have brought an umbrella,” I said.

“I used the underground parking here in the building. A nice man gave me a voucher.”

“Well, we’ll talk about vouchers soon enough. First, I have to warn you that some of the questions will be tough. This is a thorough vetting interview for the office of vice president, so it is not a ‘cake walk’ or a beauty contest. Understood?”

“Yes.”

“Good. First question. Have you ever won a beauty contest?”

“No. Not first place. But I did win the best swimsuit/best snowshoes competition.”

“Good. Second question. Have you ever managed or competed in a cake walk?”

“Yes, yes I have. As a former PTA member, I organized several highly successful cake walks, and at each one, we had more than a dozen delicious prizes. And I must point out, even at our most crowded event, no one ever dropped a cake.”

“Are you telling me the complete and unvarnished truth?”

“Yes, the cakes were very tasty. And also, I competed in a number of cake walks as a student, but never won what you would call the ‘big prize.’ I did take home a plate of cupcakes once, however.”

“That’s good to know. Let’s move on to the subject of taxes. What is your view on taxes?”

“Taxes should be like house guests. The quicker they are gone, the better.”

“OK. How many homes do you own?”

“That is a difficult question to answer. Some say there’s no place like home. Then there’s that old saying, ‘I left my heart in San Francisco.’ I agree with the premise of that song, so logic would dictate I have a second home in San Francisco. Oh, I almost forgot, ‘Home Sweet Home.’ That’s two more, right there. So, I think that would add up to about four or five.”

“Are you certain?”

“Well, it’s not like I have so many homes that I’ve forgotten to pay taxes on them. Oh, wait, forget I said anything like that.”

“OK. How many children do you have?”

“Let me check with my staff on that.”

“Relax, I’m not even taking notes. You have probably heard that for our next vice president, we are looking at how potential nominees compare with our current veep, Dick Cheney.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“I see you and the vice president have a few things in common. A love of the outdoors. You’re both hunters.”

“Moose, mostly.”

“Yeah? Well, Dick shot a lawyer in the face. Ever do something like that?”

“No, but I’d be willing to learn.”

“Good answer. Now, your resumé seems kind of thin in spots. Mayor of a small town in Alaska, 20 months as governor. What makes you think you can handle the job of vice president of the United States?”

“Well, I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

“The one by the airport?”

“Yes.”

“That’s my favorite. Next question. Will you be ready on Day One?”

“Yes. I will be ready, almost ready, on Day One. On Day Two, I will be nearly ready. And on Day Three, I will be positively prepared to be just about ready. I will have my desk set up the way I like it; pencils in this drawer, giveaway pens in the top drawer; family portrait goes there…”

“Now wait a minute, just wait a minute!”

“Yes?”

“Do you think you could get me one of those pens? You’re talking about the ones with the White House logo thingy on there, right? Yeah, that would really be nice.”

Next time: A big blowhard doofus.